Here's my Babson essay. Any criticism or suggestion will be very appreciated!! Thank you guys!
Prompt: Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college:
Hello My dear roommate,
First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you on becoming a member of and starting a whole new chapter at Babson College, and it's my pleasure to start my college life in such an exemplary community with you.
As you probably know, my name is Yaomin--just like the famous basketball player's. Born and raised in a traditional Chinese family, I'm a relatively quiet person--not a nerd though; basketball and tennis are my all-time favorite sports. I like to enrich myself through experiencing various unfamiliarities, and that's one of the reasons why I come to America. I'm never a night owl or a party animal; to serve myself a cup of tea and to spend some time reading on my comfy bed is much more preferable than swinging my butt in a rave. Also I like to plan before execution. In fact, scheduling everything and getting well-prepared one night ahead has become a habit since I was fifteen.
As many people from Western countries perceive that Chinese are very sensitive to numbers, I'm not an exception either. Because of the food processing business my family runs, I was introduced to the world of business since I was nine. In addition to the influence from my family, reading relevant books on business management and biographies of successful entrepreneurs also inspired me. The stories of Gordon Moore and Steven Jobs together with The Predictably Irrational delineate an intricate and competitive business world for me. No wonder that I am attracted to the intensive business education provided by Babson College since business management will be the concentration of my college life. Among all the programs Babson offers, I'm especially interested in The Management Consulting Field Experience, through which I can apply the business principles I learn in class to the real-world consulting projects. I believe that by putting my competencies into action, I can gain some practical experience and develop a more comprehensive understanding of the business world.
Moreover, I have learned that professor Ed Barrows is a very involved lecturer and economist. He is known for his understanding of management division and organizational behavior. I always want to systematically learn about how management helps to optimize a firm's profit and how organizations make decisions. Therefore, I really covet a chance to take part in undergraduate research with Professor Ed Barrows and other internship opportunities so I can establish a strong scientific foundation for my future studies while putting the knowledge I gain from class into practice in our real life.
With eagerness and passion, I am confident that I will become a diligent student as well as a helpful roommate. I strongly believe that my unique perspective can augment the community and in return, my experiences at Babson will only add to my perspective and help me grow as a student, a roommate, and most importantly, as a person.
I can't wait to start this wonderful journey with you, my friend.
the second half of your essay takes a more academic turn that seems like it would be more of a "why babson" essay. Try to go into more detail about life with you, your likes/dislikes, something maybe more playful and interesting
I think it was well-written. However, I agree that you might want to add more information about your interests. You are writing, however hypothetically to a future roommate - include stuff you would want them to tell you about themselves.