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"Dinesh! Dinesh!" COMMON APP


ABP 2 / 2  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The team was 3-1 down with five minutes remaining in the game. We were dominating the game, controlling the ball possession and creating lots of chances, but we never really capitalized on it.

"Dinesh! Dinesh!" I shouted loudly as Oliver and I kept the lateral movement, trying to get free from the Manila defender. I received the ball and looked up, chipped it over the defender to Jonathan who was making the penetrating run inside the penalty box. Then I heard, as the referee ran from the halfway line to the six-yard box, pointing to the penalty spot, the ear shrieking sound of the referee's whistle. I knew this was our chance to get back into the game. Suddenly I heard my coach, Jurrien, shouted, "Tony, you take it." I grabbed the ball with uncertainty and placed it on the penalty spot; my heart beats faster each time, as I felt the pressure getting to me. I took a couple of steps back, trying to compose myself as I waited for the referee to blow his whistle. I nervously ran up wanting to blast the ball into the center of the goal, but I leaned back too much and watched the ball went sky high.

I didn't want to look up; I couldn't hide the embarrassment of missing that penalty from my parents, my coaches and the crowd. Moreover, at the last second of the game, to add to my misery, we got a consolation goal and made it 3-2. I felt even worse because now I know that if I scored that penalty, we could've gone to extra time. The referee blew the final whistle. We lost to International School of Manila and finished fourth. I fell to the ground with embarrassment and tears came pouring down from my eyes. I felt like I have disappointed my coaches who had their full confidence in me about that penalty.

"Another great season, but not the results we expected and wanted in IASAS. How could this happen, what have I done wrong as a coach? Another group of golden boys, similar to the boys I had three years ago. Why didn't they perform in IASAS? Especially against the team that we know we are better. These boys deserved so much more. We finished fourth and missed a golden opportunity again at the last moment. I felt sorry for Tony, he played well, but that penalty will surely haunt him. It wasn't his fault, the team never really performed in the games that we should be winning. I can't blame him, he put on a good performance in this tournament in Singapore."

I came up to my coaches, Jurrien, Pedro, and Schwartz with tears of regret and said sorry to them. Jurrien looked me in the eye and said, "It's not your fault Tony, you played really well, but these things happen; remember three years ago when Will Julius missed the penalty against Singapore American school, these things happen Tony, don't worry about it, don't let it overcome you, just learn from it."

Yet, I struggled to accept the reality, the fact that almost every other people that were not on the team blamed me for the loss. My friends, who I thought would give me their full support, even criticized me for missing the penalty, "How could you not score that penalty? You could at least hit the target! It was all your fault that the team didn't get a medal." I was saddened, however, at the same time, I appreciated their honesty, since their honesty help me understand that my coach, Jurrien, was right and that I should learn from this experience, become even stronger. That incident wasn't my finest moment in Singapore, people might even remember me for the wrong reasons, but really it was one of the moments that I could never forget. It was significant experience and transition in my life, which helps me realize that doing things with confidence is one of the keys to success. From that moment, I was able to build up my self-confident not only on the soccer field, but also in classes, which strengthen one of my academic qualities of being a better public speaker.

I know its a bit long, but please take time and review my essay! thnx so much, will return the favor by reading and commenting on your essays..

thanks guys!
phhai 7 / 25  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
I think I got a bit lost in the few beginning sentences . It was ambiguous you were playing soccer . ( I thought you were playing American football )

It is a bit long though .
I think that instead of the speech in paragraph 3, you should have sum it up in a few sentences and then elaborate more on how you deal with the problem.

That is my opinion
I would glad if you read mine too :)
kayleighlevitt 5 / 8  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
The team was 3-1 down with five minutes remaining in the game. We were dominating the game, controlling the ball possession and creating lots of chances, but we never really capitalized on it. For clarity try breaking up the sentence and using active verbs rather than passive. I suggest saying: 5 minutes remained in the game. We were down, 3-1. We had control of the ball which created opportunities, but had not taken advantage of them.

the defender to Jonathan who was making the penetrating run inside the penalty box. I think the word choice is odd here which makes t more wordy, whereas the rest of the sentence flows really well.

the ear shrieking sound of the referee's whistle.you could just say: the shriek of the referee's whistle. as it is, it feels awkward

you switched from writing in hindsight to writing in present tense: I grabbed the ball with uncertainty and placed it on the penalty spot; my heart beats faster each time, as I felt the pressure getting to me. I took a couple of steps back, trying to compose myself as I waited for the referee to blow his whistle. I nervously ran up wanting to blast the ball into the center of the goal, but I leaned back too much and watched the ball went sky high.

I didn't want to look up; I couldn't hide the embarrassment of missing that penalty from my parents, my coaches and the crowd. Moreover, at the last second of the game, to add to my misery, we got a consolation goal and made it 3-2.
I felt even worse because now I know that if I scored that penalty, we could've gone to extra time. (the bold is all the present tense, since you wrote the rest of your piece in past, keep it consistent.)

we could've gone to extra time. instead of gone, say gotten.

I felt like I have disappointed my coaches who had their full confidence in me about that penalty. delete the word have.

before we hear what the coaches are saying, you should say something like, "I overheard the coaches talking." because as it is it is not clear if they are talking to the whole team or not.

don't let it overcome you, just learn from it." delete 'don't let it overcome you.' the sentence flows better that way.

Okay, you used the first four paragraphs to tell your story, the last paragraph should solely be your realization,and how you have grown from the experience. I suggest it starting at "that incident..." There is some awkward phrasing and wording and verb tense after that so I just rewrote it, to lump all of the correction suggestions into one:

That incident wasn't my finest moment in Singapore, people might even remember me for the wrong reasons, but it made me realize that doing things with confidence is one of the keys to success. It strengthened me not only as a soccer player, but as a public speaker.

Then throw in a few more sentences about what being confident means to you and how not the event, but how being confident has changed you as a person, not just a student or a soccer player. You never want to use the prompt in your essay and you want to end on something strong.

I hope all of this makes sense. Comment back if I wrote something that doesn't or you need anymore help while editing. I think you can make this a strong piece.


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