I'm transfering to the University of washington Bothell, intending to go into their Software Systems program. The max word count is 1000 words, so far I'm at 426. I figure less is more considering how many of these they have to read. Am i right? Any feedback/advise/criticism or approval is welcome. Thx
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This is a strong start. You seem to have plenty of the characteristics and experience they will want, plus a splash of oil for flavor.
I think you're right that less is more, but don't go so far in that direction that you skip details that will help you. Tell the reader more about the video game(s) you invented. And, for sure, tell more about your interests beyond games.
I'm of two minds concerning your disclosure about being slow on timed tests. First, if this is a significant difficulty, it may be due to an undiagnosed learning disability. Students with such disabilities can, after admission, go to the campus counseling center or office of disabilities, get tested, and get a letter mandating teachers to give them extra time on tests. That's something you might want to think about doing after gaining admission, but I'm not so sure you should mention it here, unless you need to do so to explain low scores on standardized tests.
And by the way, "fast" is an adjective. Adjectives modify nouns and pronouns. You need an adverb, such as "quickly" to modify a verb like "write."
When i was a kid and landed my first job, i chose to save up and buy a computer before even buying a car.
^The pronoun 'I', is always in capital letters.
For most of my life, i was a video game connoisseur. My favorite game (warcraft 3) introduced me to programming my own video games and playing them with fellow gamers over the internet.
One of my games had a following of kids who loved to play it. Ever since then, I've been dreaming of building bigger games.
^Good.
Not long ago i made a living drilling oil. It was a lucrative and challenging profession.
^Was it a job or a project?
However, i couldn't stop thinking about my dream of going back to school for computer science. So I gave up that life, moved back to Seattle, and decided that no matter what it took, I would get my degree and do exactly what i had always wanted to do with my life.
Currently, I'm interested in developing games in XNA, and was excited to hear that Proffessor Sung is an active advocate of XNA.
^mispelt Professor.
One of my friends is a developer at Big Fish Games. He has been my window into the games industry and i really like what i see. The opportunities seem boundless for individuals who are willing to apply themselves.
^If you really want, you can insert some statement here on how you wish to apply yourself, particularly at the Software program, and how you wish to apply whatever you have learnt later on in the world of softwares, or gaming...
But my interest extends beyond just games. I am enthralled by the explosion of information technology that's transforming our society.
I can't wait to see where things are headed in terms of artificial intelligence, voice and image recognition and high end graphics.
^I can not wait to see how things are heading in terms of...
I found the introductory CS courses very enjoyable. Writing code comes naturally for me. Even the more complicated issues like recursive back tracking and abstract classes have been easy for me to grasp and work with.
^Easy may not be the appropriate adjective. You do not admit that the courses are easy, because that can imply that you think you are too good for the courses, even if they are introductory.
However, I have run into a bump in the road. Time pressure exams are really difficult for me, due to slow handwriting and an ingrained habit of double checking my work.
^Time 'pressured'
due to 'my slow handwriting'.
But I plan to overcome this obstacle like any other, with hard work. I have recently begun training myself to write fast, and I plan to give myself multiple timed tests before each exam.
After meeting with Advisors from the University of Washington Bothell I have decided that The Bachelors of Science in Computing and Software Systems is definitely the direction I want to take my education. I want to enter the applied computing major first, and then transfer to Computing and Software Systems once I've finished my second Calculus course. Thank you for your time and consideration.
^Good essay. You seem interested in the course. You have more space to further display your interest, and perhaps how you plan on using these interests in the near future.
Thank you, i appreciate the help.
Simone is right when it comes to her main point -- mentioning that you have trouble with timed tests is a bad idea. If you need to say this for some reason, such as to explain low transcript marks, try to write a separate essay dedicated to that topic if the application allows, or else explain why you feel the need to mention it in this one.
I feel obliged to point out, though, that fast is also an adverb, meaning "quickly," and so your usage there is correct.
University of Washington Bothell - Personal Statement (Attempt #2)
I have to submit this personal statement tomarrow morning. I was hoping someone would double check it for me. I have changed the things that you guys recommended, and I have expanded in some places. thank you.
When I was a kid and landed my first job, I chose to save up and buy a computer before even buying a car.
How old were you here? You seem to be applying as an older student, who might think of 16-18 year-olds as kids. However, given that most applications like this are written by 17 year olds, the use of the word "kid" seems off, as in this sort of essay it would normally refer to someone much younger, who would certainly not be worried about buying a car.
Apart from that, your essay is well-written, and shows you have a clear sense of what you hope to accomplish at university, which makes it an excellent application essay.
In general, "kid" should be avoided.
And I agree. You're ready to send it in, which I expect you already have.
