Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"Yeah!" scream Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I have just scored five seconds later, we hear the buzzer. The stadium were quiet and everybody waits for the referees to count the scores. As I starts at the scoreboard, they announcing the scores and I see our team has grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn't utter a single word.
When I turn to the stands, my whole team jump up in excitement and run over to the d* screaming WE WON WOO HOO! Everybody give other high fives and hugging, exuberance emits from us because we have just won a state competition called the First Tech Challenge.
FTC is a robotics competition in where high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field, and after endless toils over robot, for 8 months, we have actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.
That was one of the most momentous achievements in my whole high school career. It all started back in September of 2008 when we first formed our team, which consisted of a close group of friends of mine. We received all of our building supplies and the information about the competition, next that, we went straight to brain-storming on how our robot will look and what type of functions it needed to perform. Everybody contributed ideas and after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally got a good idea on how we were going to build our robot, at least that what we thought. The building process meet with one failure after another; we built one segment only to see it interfere with another. Occasionally, the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of building continued for the following seven months until we finally finished the robot with great doubts in our mind of even coming close to 1st place. But we went ahead anyway, and it turns out that after all of our bickering, we constructed a decent machine. We took a step back, to analyze what we have created and. Doubts in even coming close to first place, crawled into everybody's mind about even coming close to first place. Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work we have constructed a decent machine.
These events will help me in my college, because they shows that no matter how much you think you have failed or how much you assume has thought me a lot about myself, all the doubts I had about the robot actually turned into a fuel that kept my mind working at optimal efficiency, so I had perceive any of the mistakes and correct them. The disbelief and uncertainty in my work sharpened my mind instead of clouding it. It proves that you should never give up, have integrity to push through all the hardships, and have responsibility to perform your duties as best and efficiently as possible, as a result, you will always be triumphant. This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analyzing mind that will push itself further and beyond all boundaries to be triumphant in my goals and dreams.
i will be thankful for any advice and opinions
'Yeah!' screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staring s at the scoreboard, theythe referees announced the scores and .I see our team has grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn't utter one word or sound.
^You do not utter sounds.
Also, I can see that you are rewriting this experience, that distintively occured only once in the past, in the present tense. This is incorrect. I have suggested, the use of the past tense, in my 'corrections'.
When I turned to the stands I my whole , my team jumped up in excitement and ranover to the d* (What is the 'd') screaming ' We won , woo hoo!' Everybody gave each other high fives and huggings , exuberance emits from us because we have had just won first place in a state competition called the First Tech Challenge state competition .
FTC is a robotics competition where in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field, and afterAfter endless toils overon this robot, for 8 months, we have actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.
That was one of the most momentous achievements in my whole high school career. It all started back in September of 2008 when we first formed our team, which consisted of a close group of friends of mine.a close group of my friends and I formed a team.
We received all of our building supplies and the information about the competition,After that, we went straight to brain-storming on how our robot will look and what type of functions it needed to perform.brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and, after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally gothad a good idea on how we were going to build our robot,.Or at least thatsis what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another,. we built one segment only to see to interfere with another, and, of course, if it wasn't one failure, it was another.
^I do not get that sentence...
Occasionally the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of building continued for the following seven months until we finally finished the robot with great doubts in our mind of even coming close to 1st place.
^The robot had great doubts??
Or, did YOU HAVE GREAT DOUBTS IN YOUR MIND OF EVEN COMING...etc
ButRegardless we went ahead anyway , and it turns out that after all of our bickering, we constructed a decent machine.
^You never quite mentioned bickering. I am not saying that you have to, but your essay does seem to mainly focus on failure, which I assumed was due to the difficulty you guys had in assembling a properly working robot?
TheseeventsThis event will help me in my college career , because theyit shows that no matter how much you one thinksyouone have failed or how much you assumeone assumes is wrong, if you perform your best you could succeed in anything you put your mind to.
^Do not use 'you'. You are specifically targeting the reader in that
case. Make it more general, and replace 'you' with 'one'. If you want to make it personal, use 'I' or 'me'.
Also, the final line needs some revision. Try and polish it up a bit.
It proves that you should never give up,and have integrity to push through all the hardships, and have responsibilitybe responsible to perform your duties as best and efficiently as possible, as a resultSubsequently , you will always be triumphant.
^K I get what you are trying to sa. However, whilst those may be tools to success, you make it sound as if that is all it requires. You also make it sound as if it is really easy lol.
The essay question is:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service'
You described a meaningful event, however you do not address how this meaninful event will contribute to the UF campus community.
When read, your essay is as if you are telling us your 'meaningful event', and then you make general philosophies...
I like the introduction, which sets up the reader to think you are talking about sports only to reveal that you are talking about tech.
Now, listen up, because I don't want this overall comment to get lost amid the many specific fixes Liebe has recommended: You must keep your verb tense consistent. At present, you go back and forth between past and present tense erratically. While some writers use present tense while writing of the past to create a more dramatic sense of immediacy, this is difficult to do correctly and you should not try it here. Use past tense for the past and present tense for the present.
is it wrong to tell about a meaningful event and then go for a general philosopy
I would not say it is wrong. However, the general philosophy in your essay is quite unnecessary. You just make it general. You do not show how it applies to you specifically, or how you abide by these philosophies. I think you should considering doing that, because in turn, it reveals more about your character.
Just stating something does not quite reveal the true 'you' if you know what I mean.
Also, given the essay question, just going for a general philosophy may not be the ideal approach.
The essay question is 'write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.'
It is not asking for a general philosophy. It is asking for how a meaningful experience, can affect your college experience or your contribution the the University of Florida's campus...
So Id say you need to structure your closing paragraphs so that it directly addresses the question.
ok great thanks i will do that and post the revised essay
here is my revision
...
Good job revising your verb tenses!
I like the content of your closing paragraph, but I see a problem in the phrasing of your last sentence. An "analyzing mind" is not a "type of behavior."
Reviewing your essay, and some of my input, some further changes can be made.
"Yeah!" screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five. Five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staringstared at the scoreboard, the referees announced the scores. Our team grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn'tnot utter a single word.
When I turned to the stands, my team jumped up in excitement and ran screaming "WE WON WOO HOO!" Everybody gave each other high fives and hugs;because we had just won the first placeFirst Place in the First Tech Challenge state competition.
FTC is a robotics competition in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field. After eight months and endless toils work on the robot, for 8 months, we actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.
^I do no think you can specify the time, and then juxtapose it with 'endless' toils. I think you can, however, I am not advocating this. Try and come up with another expression. Unless other contributors are fine with this. Seeing as how you have taken, 98 percent of my advice already, I would omit the 'endless toils' part.
That was one of theis the most momentous achievements in my high school career.
^I understand that you may be trying to say that you have had many achievements in high school. However, do you really need to show that off? Make it look like this event is something you are really proud of, so that it comes off as stronger and more personal.
It all started back in September of 2008 when a close group of friends and I formed a team. We received all of our building supplies andas well as some the information about the competition. After that, we then brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally had a good idea on how we were going to build our robot.
^How can it be trial and error? You have not even started to construct the robot. Nothing, was actually tried and tested to see if would fail. You were deciding, HOW you were going to build the robot.
Or at least that is what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another; we built one segment only to see it interfere with another. Occasionally, the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of buildingThe building process continued for the following seven consecutive months until we finally finished creating the robot. We took a step back, to from what he had just created,analyze what we have created and. Doubts , on even coming close to first place, crawled into everybody's mind about even coming close to first place. Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work, we had constructed a decent machine.
This event has thoughttaught me a lot about myself. all the doubts I had about the robot actually turned into a fuel that kept my mind working at optimal efficiency, so I had perceive any of the mistakes and correct them .
^You became a fuel? lol, now that is a superpower.
You never discussed keeping your mind working efficiently. You never corrected any mistakes. If anything, you come across as a person who thought that the robot featured a LOT of mistakes, seeing as how you thought you could not finish anywhere near top place.
The disbelief and uncertainty in my work sharpened my mind instead of clouding it.
^How and when? Like I said right above, you thought you would not win.
This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analyzing mind that will push itself further and beyond all boundaries to be triumphant in my goals and dreams.
^As Simone said, an analyzing mind is not a form of behavior. What are your goals and dreams? How will you push yourself further? You do not even remotely discuss about having pushed yourself further in this essay, what makes you suddenly believe you can do it if you are trying to relate it to this essay?
thanks a lot for your help and iam going to keep revising the essay just a lil lost on how to express my dreams and hopes from my story
Don't feel lost! Your essay is very good already. All you have to add is what you specifically hope to do in the future. What's your dream job? What to you aspire to accomplish? Remember, you're not locked into this; you just have to say what you hope for right now.
Also, what exactly did your robot do? Could you describe it a bit? At the moment, it is difficult to get a clear mental image of it, which is unfortunate, as it is such a big part of your essay.
Hmmm, yes, or even just a visual description of the robot itself would help.
i would like to put in all those extra details but how if iam limited only to 450 words
The essay is fine as it is. The extra details would make it even more powerful but are not necessary.
sry it took so long here i was on vacation , here is the rewritten form of the essay with the help of all of you which iam very thankful for
"Yeah!" screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored. Five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I stared at the scoreboard, the referees announced the scores. Our team grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I could not utter a word. When I turned to the stands, my team jumped up in excitement and ran screaming "WE WON WOO HOO!" Everybody gave each other high fives and hugs, because we had just won the first place in the First Tech Challenge state competition.
FTC is a robotics competition in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field. After endless toils on the robot, for 8 months, we actually won first place in the whole state of Florida. That is the most momentous achievements in my high school career.
It all started back in September of 2008 when a close group of friends and I formed a team. We received all of our building supplies and the information about the competition. After that, we brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally had a good idea on how we were going to build our robot. Or at least that is what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another; we built one segment only to see it interfere with another. Occasionally, the robot just refused to function altogether. This process of building continued for the following seven months until we finally finished the robot. We took a step back to analyze what we have created and great doubts crawled into everybody's mind about even coming close to first place. Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work we constructed a decent machine.
This event has thought me a lot about myself, all the doubts I had about the robot actually turned into a fuel that kept my mind working at optimal efficiency, so I can perceive any mistakes and correct them. The disbelief and uncertainty in my work sharpened my mind instead of clouding it. This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analytic mind that will push itself further by studying and trying my best in everything I apply myself. I shall be triumphant in my goals and dreams which are to complete college with the best grades and further my education into graduate school and become a successful individual.
"After that, we brainstormed on the visuals and functions of the robot."
"Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work we had constructed a decent machine."
"trying my best in everything to which I apply myself."
"I shall be triumphant in my goals and dreams which are to complete college with the best grades and further my education into graduate school and become a successful individual." Can you make this sentence about half its current length?
hey i fixed all the gramatical errors that SEAN showed me . thanks for all your help guys ive rewriten the essay like 15 times and i think its pretty good now and iam thinking of sending it in what do you think should i?
hey i fixed all the gramatical errors that SEAN showed me
A couple more:
"Everybody contributed ideas and
, after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally had a good idea on how we were going to build our robot."
"This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analytic mind that will push itself further by studying and trying my best in everything I apply myself."
As I have pointed out before, an analytic mind is not a type of behavior. This mismatch between the introductory clause and the subject of the sentence is a grammatical error.
thanks ill fix the analytic mind part and have all grammatical errors fixed , in general do u think i should turn it in now?
Only you can decide when you are done. Are you happy with the essay as it now is? If so, hand it in. If not, decide what you don't like about it and ask specifically how you can fix those things.
yeah iam actually happy with the essay it turned out much better then i thought. i guess iam turning it in . thanks for all your help guys
You're welcome. Don't forget to let us know how it turns out.
i will but that might take a couple of months to get my answer
No worries. We are very patient people.
