Hello, This is my reply to the following prompt, but I have absolutely No idea if I did it right, or if this is a terrible essay. Please feel free to criticize everything. Very personal approach.
My path through education
Please tell us about your path after high school through the 2- and/or 4-year college system, your goals for transferring, and why you are interested in attending xxx specifically.
My path through education has not been straightforward or smooth. Ever since I was a little girl, I have faced many challenges both at home and in school, starting with my mother's drug addiction and being separated from my family by child services. My educational experience has been strained by mayhem and scarcity. However, inside I remained a staunch academic, a lover of books and languages. In education, I saw the light to a better and more prosperous future. I quickly realized I wanted to attend a smaller, liberal arts college where I could flourish as both a student and person.
In my senior year of high school, I found out that my family did not have enough money to send me to college, especially the small, liberal arts schools I was interested in. So I elected to attend community college and then transfer. In community college, I was introduced to a whole new educational environment. Pacific community college is very large and dispersed, with much less guidance and community than I was used to. The curricula focuses on a more independent learning style, which I struggled to adjust to. On top of it, I was also working a nearly full time job and commuting. At this time I was immensely challenged, but like before in my childhood, I turned to literature and great poets to give me the strength to carry on. Through this, I discovered my passion for World languages and literature.
If one were to have asked me 3 years ago what my goals for college are, I would have given a vague and unsure answer. After my time at PCC, I know without a doubt what my near and long term goals are. I know I want to have a career that allows me to travel, which has led me to study four languages: French, Spanish, Russian, and Italian. With a degree in Global Communication and World Languages from xxx, I will be enabled to attain the scholarship, knowledge and guidance necessary for a rewarding and successful career in a global context. In volunteering at The Dream Center and Heal the Bay, I realized I wanted to use my education and success in order to make a positive, lasting impact on the world. Seeing the resigned faces of homeless children in the LA housing projects made me realize my ultimate purpose: to not only rise from my challenges, but to help those in need just as I was helped when I was in great need.
xxx is ranked in the top 15% of American colleges and universities, and is recognized worldwide for its preeminent education and diversity. With 198 academic programs, xxx's integrative blend of liberal arts, science, and professional programs stimulate all parts of education. In the communications program, rigorous academics, service study, and cultural diversity are combined to create a collaborative and innovative educational experience, and prepares students to lead successful, passionate, and accurate lives as global citizens. With Professor's such as Dean Jennifer Brown, I will be able to study under internationally lauded and distinguished members of the communications field, and realize my goal of attaining practical and essential knowledge.
As someone who has always wanted to go to a smaller, liberal arts college, I value the ability to connect and engage with Professors and peers. Compared with the incredibly large class size of some schools, I am impressed with xxx's 13:1 student-faculty ratio. The vast amount of resources and organizations on xxx's campus would allow me to engage with both students and faculty, something I haven't been able to do at Pacific community college. I would want my time at xxx to be filled with extracurriculars, such as the Ice hockey team (because I played hockey competitively for 12 years), a service learning experience such as the Alternative Break Program, and further down the line, a position in Student government.
Spiritual affiliation is another thing that is important to me in an institution. xxxx's continued commitment to their origins in the Disciples of Christ Church, and a value-centered education instills a moral structure in it's students and faculty, which I think is very important. As a Christian, I really appreciate having a place to worship on campus, and having a place such as the Fish Interfaith Center, which supports not only spiritual expression, but also diversity and acceptance further distinguishes xxx as an exceptional institution.
I want to attend xxx because I admire their students' embodiment of integrity, erudition, leadership, and prolonged lifelong learning. xxx strives to develop the student as a whole person, from every dimension, growing into distinctive, accomplished students, global citizens, and catalysts for change. My goal is to become exceptional not only as a student, but as a whole person. I believe my goals line up with xxx University. I hope xxx will allow me to prove my faithfulness and determination, to rise to new challenges and excel to my greatest potential.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 I believe that you misunderstood the instruction for the discussion. It is not asking you for your path throughout high school. The essay prompt assumes that you are a transfer student who has been enrolled in a previous academic institution and that you will be transferring from there. So the focus of your response should not be from high school, nor from a personal aspect. Instead, you should be discussing your academic path from the start of your attendance at your current university. Based on that path, you are required to explain why you feel you can no longer proceed along that learning road. Sometimes, students outgrow their academic interests in their first 2 years of college. Think about that. Do you think you have outgrown this particular line of learning? If so, why? If you are changing universities based on academic goals, then explain why your goals changed over time and why the university can help you achieve your new learning objectives.
Personally, I believe that you should omit the first 2 paragraphs of this essay. You will do well to immediately open the discussion with the reference to your time at your current university. That way the presentation has a specific focus and the reviewer can get to your explanation as soon as he starts reading the response. Paragraph 4 doesn't work either. It sounds more like you are lecturing the reviewer instead of explaining why you chose the university instead. Paragraph 5 does that for you wonderfully.
With regards to the faith based discussion in the essay. Try to use a more contemplative approach instead of explaining what the church is all about and how the place of worship works. Think instead about how the spiritual guidance of having such a diverse church to attend will help you grow as an individual. Make sure to highlight how the church activities can help you not only adjust to the student community, but also allow you to learn about the world, from a religious point of view. After all, the church sounds non-denominational in your description.
The essay surely needs adjustments to help you better explain yourself based on the prompt instructions. This is a good draft because it has provided you with clear ideas as to how to revise the current content. I know you can do this.
