Discipline your emotions, or they will use you - Common app Prompt 2

Common app Prompt 2 - edit my essay in your way and help me in improving it.

Discipline your emotions, or they will use you

I was suffering from fever and was seething on my bottom. My mother was asking me to take the tablets, but I wasn't because they taste bad. She was rushing to her work and before departing, she came near me and this time ordered me to take pills, still I wasn't. She was out of her patience so she took a belt and started beating me until I took them. She departed, and I started weeping because of that treatment towards me in my illness.

I know she doesn't like me, and no one else in my house did. Then I settled to leave- packed my purse and exited the home. After walking for some time I was hungry and tired, so I took some money and ate chapatti. I started walking and was thinking about her treatment. I determined not to come back again or catch their looks yet. After some time I was completely tired and wanted to get repose, but I thought back, I didn't save a bed as in the home. Even then, I decided to sleep on footpath rather than moving back home and then I set down on the pathway.

After waking up I saw 30 cents in front of me and I was ashamed of myself. I began walking, and it was near evening. I began seeing that I was sick and to feel good I need to take the tablets. My eyes were almost blurred and were ready to faint. I sat down beside the road and was losing consciousness.

Abruptly, I woke up in a hospital room which was occupied with my family. I was shocked to see them again and thanked god for doing that for me. I got home, embraced my mom and apologized, and she didn't say a word. I came in my room and recalled everything I did the previous day, it made me feel ashamed at first, but later feared me of what I have made out. The foolish decision I chose that day would have killed me; would have killed my dreams; would have taken away everything I have today if I haven't found beside the road at the right time.

Wisdom is what we get from experience, the experience is what we get from failure. I failed, I failed in making a decision. I have chosen that decision because I was emotional, I was angry at my mother because of her treatment, but I wasn't able to think what her real intention was behind that treatment because I was in emotional imbalance. At that moment I wasn't able to think positively or make a right decision because I was simply remembering about the physical pain I was living through, but not about the issues that I possess to face in future.

If I have not taken the pills and my mother has left me without any concern, I would have been admitted to the hospital the next day, and somehow I have to take other pills maybe even more. I had two alternatives if I selected a wrong decision all my ambitions, goals and life would have been messed up and I wouldn't excuse myself the whole lifetime. But if I have taken a right decision I would lead life the same way I dreamed of, by having some ups and downs. Option one is for those people who take emotional decisions and later realize they were amiss, and I am no more in that squad.

The emotional decision I chose that day later made me recognize that I was incorrect. I today found the prospect of reviving it, but if I hadn't faced it, I may not have that opportunity in the future. Yet, I am emotional but I learned to discipline my emotions, and I am not giving way to let this destroy me.

I love your idea
but it is not enough to impress me
more specific about how you stand up after you failed
good luck!

Bharat, there is no clear reference to a failure in this essay. This essay sounds more like you were throwing a temper tantrum that actually experiencing a failure. Maybe you can spell it out for me. What exactly was the failure you were referring to in the essay? It doesn't sound like a failure here because all you did was refuse to take your medicine, you were spanked, and you decided to run away from home. Where is the failure? You ended up in the hospital after you were given 30 cents because you were mistaken for a vagrant. Again, where did you fail? No, this is not a failure, this is just a simple temper tantrum gone wrong on your part. This cannot be used as an explanation for this essay prompt. You will need to develop a new essay. One that actually shows a failure and a clearer picture of how you evolved as a person because of that experience. There is nothing in this essay that can be understood to offer a self realization that helped you become a better person. You need a stronger moral lesson story in this essay than the one you just presented.

@Holt Thank you for your suggestion by the way, after your message I too felt the same after reading my essay, I should be more precise on how I failed and how I used the failure in shaping myself. The topic I actually intended to present is how I have failed in making a mature decision in emotional times, so can you please help me in crafting the essay and anymore suggestion on how to start and provide a clear explanation on the same topic. Help me through email "bharath.anindian0007@gmail" if possible.

Thanks

Bharat, you need to change your story totally. It would be in your best interest if you show a failure that portrays a change in mindset for you. This particular story, specially since it involves a portion about you being spanked by your mother, just doesn't work. It doesn't work because you sound like a 5 year old child who ran away from home because he got hurt by the spanking. That is not what the reviewer wants to see. What we need to see in your essay is a sense of maturity. An example of how you became a better person because of a failure that you encountered. For example, maybe you were part of an activity where you were assigned a task that you were unable to complete and as such, the whole team failed. How did that affect the way you were treated by others? How did you feel after you realized you had failed the team? What moral lesson did you learn based upon the results of your actions? Those are some of the guidelines by which you should be developing your essay. Find that failure that helped you become a better person. Don't opt for a story that shows your actions to be similar to that of a petulant child. That is not the way to win over the reviewer in this instance.

@Holt
Thank you for your help, and I will change my essay topic and will concentrate on detail picturing. I would like you to edit my 2nd essay after I post it.