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Discipline, family, climate - WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY?


chopraribhav 1 / -  
Oct 8, 2019   #1

discipline, family, climate



At 10 I went to a boarding school, in the hills away from my parents, where I experienced the most beautiful and eventful 4 years of my life and left with so many stories and friends for life. The 172 year old institution which resonated with the legacy of the British and smelled of fresh oak and pine has had a deep effect on me and in my time there shaped me into who I am today. With military drills and routine, discipline entered my life and has ever since played a major role. Being so close to nature there I learnt to appreciate and adore the beauty that it displays, how simple and effortless it seems yet the complexities remain oblivious to the eye.

My family is my strength and the value of relationships is something I learnt while I was away from home.
Speaking of home, we have long exploited natural resources and subsequently degraded the bounties of nature, which has now led to a time where that could spell out the end of our race. Being a nature lover myself I have taken it upon myself to fight climate change by creating awareness and taking action. Through my efforts I have planted 1500 trees in two months along with 150 volunteers who have joined me in my mission. Today danger looms over us and our future and we need to wake up for it is of utmost importance that we make conscious efforts to make reparations before its too late.

Maria [Contributor] - / 809 310  
Oct 11, 2019   #2
@chopraribhav
Welcome to the forum. Here, I'm going to provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, be cautious of the punctuation marks. If we take a look at your first paragraph, some of the fundamental mistakes you've made were related to this. The first sentence appears to be a run-on than it is a properly constructed line. Try to chop this portion into smaller pieces and then work with that.

The second paragraph is also quite cluttered. Notice that there wasn't any smooth transition from point A of first sentence to point B of second sentence. You can't just jump and make conclusive linkages without substantiating beforehand.

Coming from the title and the general essay topic, the line of your writing should have been articulating individually why all of these three ideas are important. There's no need to essentially correlate everything in one chunk.


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