Any critique? How can I word this in a higher level of language?
Why are you drawn to the area of study you indicated earlier in this application?
The moment I stepped out of Port-Au-Prince airport and breathed in the foreign, humid air, I strangely felt at home. Venturing out of my comfort zone and into this unknown, Caribbean territory, I smile at my ardor and commitment to international relations.
IR is not my academic interest; rather, it's a field that spins my world. Raised in a multinational family, I spend my weekends skyping or emailing my extended family and friends across the continents, cultivating my proficiency in three languages and familiarity in two others. These Saturday evening conversations promoted my international understanding, and exposed me to the social, cultural, and political differences between my home in the US and my family in the rest of the world. As a child, the conversations were friendly and fun, creating this image of a small, peaceful world in my five year old brain. As I matured out of my innocence, global conflicts and poverty distort my childhood vision, compelling me to pursue IR and serve humanity.
The essay does not paint a clear picture of the development of your interest in international relations. You need to start at the beginning, lay the foundation before you jump into the anecdote about your visit to Haiti. Without the background story, your anecdote leaves the reader wondering as to how you reached that point in your life and why you would seriously consider a career in international relations. Clarify those points and your essay should be well on its way to usability. Show us the development of your line of reasoning pertaining to international relations being more than just an academic interest.
Thanks for your input! I listened to your advice and provided more details pertaining to my development of interest in International Relations.
Is this better?
I still feel like something is lacking in the essay. I do not see any word count limitation mentioned in the prompt so I am not sure why you are leaving us with an under developed essay. Why are you afraid to build a solid foundation for your interest in international relations? Surely it isn't isolated to just Haiti. Try to present a world view of international relations. Don't limit your development to just Haiti because one country's problems is not enough to compel a person to pursue a degree in international relations. Is there any way that you can build up the essay in terms of the foundation of your interest? The way your essay is currently constructed, you already have an existing interest in international relations. The question is, WHY are you drawn to it? What difference do you want to make in the field? How do you think you can accomplish that? Those are the reasons you are drawn to the field of international relations. It is not just limited to one country or a few activities that you have done. It has to go far deeper than that.
Thanks! There is a 150 word count, so that's why I cannot fully delve into all the reasons why. I also discuss my humanitarians views in my common app and other parts of the application, so I am trying not to sound repetitive.
Anyways, this is what I have. I tried to build that foundation of my interest in IR. Is this any good. I am currently at 166 words.
You don't really need the reference to Haiti at the start of the essay. You can save that information for other common app prompts that it could fit into. The essay response that you wrote works best without it. Just be direct to the point when answering the essays, specially in word count limited responses. That way you keep the focus directly on what you want to say or the message you want to convey to the admissions officer. I am sure you will notice that the essay becomes more effective without your opening introduction paragraph. After all the response is asking you for the reason you are drawn to international relations. The Haiti reference just does not connect well enough with the rest of the essay.
Okay, that works. Thanks for going through all these drafts with me and helping me create a response that addresses the prompt. I really appreciate it. I have one more thing. Is my grammar and structure alright? I feel I have a run off sentence and some awkward sentences.
