This is the second short essay for FAMU... I need tough criticism please and thank you! 250 words!
Describe an activity, interest, experience in your life that has been particularly meaningful to you:
It was ten years ago when I first discovered my passion for dance. There are times when I get kicked and bruised and I feel like quitting, but my love for dance pull me back. Dance takes a lot of heart and dedication. There are so many obstacles I go through to obtain a certain skill level in dance. The ability to be flexible is a mind over matter. When I focus and let my mind take over, I become very successful and my flexibility becomes effortless. When I am dancing, I'm not the same person as I am inside the classroom because when I dance, I feel like I can truly express who I am. It was an honor to receive the accolade of captain of my dance team, the role of a leader has changed my life in many aspects. I've met many friends, encouraged a lot of my teammates and improved my skills all because of my commitment to dance. Although dancing is not my prospective major, it's still meaningful to me. It has taught me many lessons in life that I know I will be able to use in the future. Dance has taught me that if you have enough passion for something, it doesn't matter how hard it is or what your limitations are. Dance has shown me the beauty of humility and has helped me develop a capacity for awareness. I know when I'm stressed, I can always blast my radio and dance!
"When I step inside a mirror filled room, my life lights up like a Christmas tree. When I am dancing, I'm not the same person as I am inside the classroom because when I dance, I feel like I cant truly express who I am. It gives me that joyful feeling and happy feeling like I just won the lottery. "
I think this part is a little cliche and has a bit of an overused theme...
I know that you don't have very many words, but
It has taught me many lessons in life that I know I will be able to use in the future.
You may want to "show" that through a short example rather than "tell" it
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it
Thank you...It's funny how my older sister told me the very exact things. I will make the changes. Thanks again to both of you!
That first sentence is not interesting. It actually does not catch the reader's attention or express an important idea. It actually is not even necessary to specify how many years ago.
This would be a GREAT first sentence:
There are times when I get kicked and bruised and I feel like quitting, but my love for dance pull me back.
Here is another sentence you can kill:
It has taught me many lessons in life that I know I will be able to use in the future. Dance has taught me that if you have enough passion for something, it doesn't matter how hard it is or what your limitations are.---This is great!
Dance has shown me the beauty of humility ---Hmmmm... you need to explain this if you claim it teaches about humility.
Great ending.
