I hope you could help me if this essay is consistent or has any problems. And also, if you could help me develop a better title. Thanks!
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
The Discoveries of Technology
It all began when I was about five years old. The first time I put my hand on that big bulky mouse and that old-fashioned keyboard is when I started to become fond of computers. I was eager and impatient to discover new things that I even challenged myself, such as going on a program called MS-DOS and typing in codes that I never knew. I researched and downloaded many programs that I was personally interested in and somehow managed to function them on my own. While learning alone, I eventually helped many people who had technological problems. Even my parents encouraged me and said that solving technical issues was my gifted talent. I even started using different systems which is then I started to realize that my true goal is to learn computers more in depth, especially for the people who are in need of help. So I decided, from that day on, my major would be Information Systems or Computer Science.
Out of all the different colleges I looked for, I chose Carnegie Mellon University to be the best institution for me. I saw something unique about this college, which was having more males than females, and I have always wanted to attend a college that was unique to me. I also noticed that this is the only college I have seen with its own Department for Information Systems and School of Computer Science, which includes Engineering and Information Systems. Many colleges offer my major but only in a broad and narrow way while Carnegie Mellon University presents a wider and specific choice for my major. So that makes me feel relieved so that I could focus on many programs better.
Carnegie Mellon University is not only the best college because of its unique student body and with precise majors, but also has a lot of students working together as a team. Yes, there are many colleges with students who work as a team or independently, but they have never managed to develop a great program. During my sophomore year, my teacher introduced a program to me, which was called Alice created in Carnegie Mellon University. Not only did I like it but also I was very inspired and amazed how students in that college work together, create a program. And letting other people use it publically. So if I attend Carnegie Mellon University, I want to have that same experience by working with other students as a team and developing many great programs together.
Whether I decide to help people or create programs, I believe that Carnegie Mellon University will help me decide and also provide me a higher education and better experience that I would need to know in order to succeed in the future.
Also another question... Is it ok to have 4 paragraphs and a little bit less than a page for an essay??
...that old-fashioned keyboard was when I started to become fond of computers.
I was so eager and impatient to discover new things, that I even challenged myself,...
...and somehow managed to make them function them on my own.
I even started using different systems, which was when I started to realize that my true goal is...
OutOf all the different colleges I looked at, I chose Carnegie Mellon University...
Not only did I like it but also I was very inspired and amazed at how students there worked together, creating this program and letting other people use it publicly.
No, the title is not good enough. I think you already know that, though, because the title is so boring and general! :-) But I think you can come up with a better title. What is the main truth of this essay? What is the single, meaningful idea that the whole essay represents? By identifying a central idea, you make the essay sharp like a sword.
I saw something unique about this college, which was having more males than females, and I have always wanted to attend a college that was unique to me.---> Of all the ways the school could be unique to you, why would you choose to talk about the male to female ratio? Seems like a bad explanation to give; intellect and enthusiasm are most important among peers, regardless of gender.
I think three paragraphs would be better... maybe you can cut an unnecessary sentence out of that 2nd paragraph and merge the last paragraph with it.
:-)
