Hello, please help me with check this out. Did my essay answer the prompt? Any grammar error? This is a first draft. Thanks
Prompt: tell us about an event in school or out side, that gave you a rethink or change or perspective, what impact has this had on you?
I sat down in an empty class with my first term report in my hands. My mind was clouded with darkness and the thought that ran through my was "why am I in science class". As I couldn't resist the thought of failing mathematics, a subject I must passed before I could be promoted. I stood, kept my report under my uniform and walked toward the door, I headed home hiding my report from other students.
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I would begin with another formula such as: One day, sat down in an empty class with my...
I do not see an "introduction" in your essay.
Then personally it is not so clear your paragraph organization and use of linkers and connectors. Then try to do simpler sentences so as to avoid the chance to do more grammar mistakes
Adeyemi, this is not really an effective answer to the prompt. Think of the response to this as something similar to the "when have you challenged an idea and why?" prompt. There was really nothing in the essay that showed any idea or point of view that changed on your part after your failure in science class. In fact, the story is incomplete and incoherent because those details were not clearly presented by merely implied. Think of another topic to answer this essay with. Perhaps a topic relating to how your opinion of a person changed, or how your perspective on a certain national issue changed. There are a number of interesting topics that you can discuss in relation to this prompt. You just have to find one that you feel comfortable discussing :-)
Vangiespen thanks for your feedback. Since the time you said the essay did not answer the prompt I have been trying to relate another experience with it. But I can't really think right and the deadline is near. Can you suggest any experience that can answer the prompt? Downfall? Success? Failure?-- No
Lastly, the initial prompt I dropped is not correct, here is the real prompt--->
tell us about an experience in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you?
Or my initial essay can still go along with modification?
You could consider the topic of bullying, cheating in exams, defying the honor code of your school, or questioning authority. These are topics that you can consider for the school discussion. If you opt for events outside of school, you could discuss more controversial topics such as homosexuality, gay marriage, euthanasia, and other current events. You need to choose a topic or theme that you have personally experienced in order to properly discuss this essay. Remember, this prompt requires you to use your personal point of view in the discussion, presenting your previous and (now) current point of view on the topic of discussion. Let me know if you have any topics that you are considering and I will help you choose one that best suits the essay prompt requirements.
Vangiespen, thanks for this wonderful suggestion. I have considered writing event outside school and your suggestion gave me an idea. What if I write on Death . Can I relate that with the prompt? Check the below out--
Growing up, whenever I heard that someone died, I always thought that the people involved were older adults. I have always believed that children have to grow old before they will die. But I remembered I began to question this thought when one of my brothers died nine years ago. .
Is this introductory draft okay? What can you suggest I come up with in other paragraphs?
That is a topic that is not normally touched upon in this type of common app essay. I have to say that it is a very interesting subject matter and, if you write it properly, it will make a very good center for your essay response. Go ahead and write a new draft using this new topic. Don't forget that you have to use the same thread when you post it here because it still relates to the same essay prompt. If you post a new thread, it might be merged by the admin because of the same essay prompt that has to be answered. I am really looking forward to your next version of the essay. Good luck! :-)
Vangiespen thanks. Here is a straight draft. Do you think I deviate from the prompt in the second paragraph? Yes right? How can I fit that? And it is above word count.
Growing up and being a little boy then, whenever I heard that someone died, I am not normally emotionally connected with the incident. As I always thought that the people that died were or should be an older adults. I have always believed that children will have to grow old before they will die. This thought lasted with me for years until nine years ago when one of my brothers died, then I began to question this thought. Initially my family did not break the news of his death to me because I was young, as they told me he was discharged from the hospital and transported to my uncle's place where he would be staying. But as time went by I realised that he died due to his long illness.
Realising the incident, I began to question my thought. That was then I encountered one of pastor Myles Monroe's tapes, the tape was recorded when he came to siloh 2001 in Nigeria. He taught on the cemetery, after I listened to the tape, my perspective changed, I came to understand that the cemetery contain young and old. Those that have tapped their potential and those that did not tap it before they died.
Adeyemi, death and the cemetery, although both related to the topic of death deal with two different perspectives. Since you are discussing death in relation to the memory of your brother, you need not delve on the cemetery aspect. Your essay lacks a clear presentation about how your perspective about death changed once you realized that your brother had died. Try to look for a deeper meaning for death in your essay. Give yourself a reason for understanding and accepting the fact that your brother had died. Finally, explain how that understanding and coming to terms with your brothers death has allowed you gain a better perspective about a topic that you once feared.
Hi Vangiespen, here is another modification. I hope this essay relates with the prompt as today is the deadline. I plan submitting it today. It is over the word limit 217/200
Realising the incident, it was as if a giant nerve had been severed. One of the giant nerves that we played together from childhood, which gave me a strange kind of feeling that prompted me to research on why children die. Eventually I realised that age is not directly or inversely to death. After I realised the principle behind death, I am always trying to make much impacts on people. So that I would be remember for it, even if I leave this earth at anytime.
Adeyemi, try this version on for size. It is 189 words. I took the essence of your essay and wrote it in a straightforward manner. If you like it, then use it in is current form. It's alright with me :-)
My brother, whom I was very close to and who had a strong influence in my life died nine years ago. He was more than a brother to me. He was a mentor, a bodyguard, a best friend. He was the person who taught me how to deal with my growing up issues and he had my back whenever i needed support. So his death was truly devastating for me to accept.
As I matured, I came to realize that his death did not mean the disappearance our sibling bond. My bond with him became stronger as I found myself often thinking back to our times together, when I was in doubt and thinking of his words of wisdom whenever I felt like I would not be able to accomplish something. This was when I realized that my perspective about death had changed.
Death does not mean the total disappearance of a person and their influence upon you. Instead, death means that the person will live forever in your heart and memories, constantly influencing you in a way that their words would never have had they continued to live.
Vangiespen, thanks very much. The modification really saved me today, I appreciate your helping hands. May God bless you, your home and everything about you. Thanks again :)
