the following two paragraphs are written by me in response to a question in Bates college supplement. please tell me is it exceeding the requirement or its sufficient? what do you think is missing or excessive in it. i highly regard all sort of criticism. please guide me as soon as possible.
How did you discover Bates? Why do you wish to attend Bates? 1 or 2 paragraphs
As a Pakistani, I have a burning passion for painting. The intent behind my paintings is to illustrate me, my culture, my personality and anything that pertains to my life. To cater for this intent, I have, throughout the years, competed in many local and national art competitions. But there was something missing in my pursuit. I wanted to do more than just showing my intent through competitions. I wanted to carry on this mission though my studying in a university abroad. I remember hearing the word "Bates" for the very first time when my G.P teacher and I were in the school library discussing my artwork. As my teacher examined one of my paintings, she said, "This, sweepea, is your ticket to Bates". Upon hearing the words "ticket to Bates", I thought my teacher was referring me as a perfect catch for fish meat. But then she told me that "Bates" was an American college that highly valued all forms of arts. So after school, I searched up this "Bates" to see if it would be the perfect catch for me. And as soon as I saw the Bates official website and read through the particulars of the life at Bates, I just knew that I caught the "bait" of my dream college.
So I continued day-dreaming about Bates, and for the next few days I could talk about nothing but Bates. I visited the site again and again each day and searched for articles about Bates by the alumni and current students. Article by article, I began to slowly realize that Bates would be my portal for promoting Pakistani Culture at its purest form. One article I read up on was about their Athletics program. As a squash and table tennis player, I was overjoyed by the description of the system of sports in Bates. Sports, like squash and table tennis in particular, have been dying out in my country and I desperately want to revive them. I want to give my country representation in these fields by surpassing my own limits in not only sports, but in any activity the college offers. I want to clear up the foggy image of Pakistan by adding my heritage to the diverse mix of Bates. I am positive that there will come a day when all of us will truly understand each other and I want to work towards such a future and this can be accomplished by societies like " Bridges for peace" in Bates. I desperately want to join this group and make a worthwhile contribution towards creating peace. For several years, I have been captivated by many seemingly attractive Universities abroad, each spilling their promises with much color and vivacity. But unlike others, Bates is a college that promises unity and realization in its activities, a college that colored the canvas of my mind in vivid detail which could never be easily effaced.
As a Pakistani, I have a burning passion for painting.---This sounds as if all Pakistanis have a natural passion for painting. You should change it to say what you really mean.
The intent behind my paintings is to illustrate myself , my culture, my personality and anything that pertains to my life.
To cater to this intent, I have, throughout the years, competed in many local and national art competitions.
But then she told me that "Bates" was an American college that highly valued all forms of the arts.
So after school, I searched up this "Bates" to see if it would be the perfect match for me.
And aAs soon as I saw the Bates official website...
So I continued day-dreaming about Bates, and for the next few days I could talk about nothing else .
Article by article, I began to slowly realize that Bates would be my portal for promoting Pakistani Culture in its purest form.
One article I read up on was about their Athletics program.
I am positive that there will come a day when all of us will truly understand each other and I want to work towards such a future and this can be accomplished by joining societies like Bridges for Peace.
