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Discuss your involvement in and contributions to a community near your home

Jan 9, 2010   #1
A couple of years ago, I had the honor of volunteering with The American Cancer Society Relay For Life, which is a life-changing community event. The event provided everyone across the globe a chance to celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease.

Most of the participants were split up into teams of twelve to fifteen. I had a team of ten and most of my team consisted of friends. Our main objective of the relay was to raise money for cancer research and cancer patients while also spreading its awareness. I was nominated as team captain by my fellow team members. As team captain, I had numerous responsibilities. I had to organize fundraising events, arrange monthly meetings, and represent our team. At first it seemed a little overwhelming, but fortunately, I had wonderful teammates who supported me.

My team was able to plan and execute a number of fun and creative fundraising events. For instance, we held special sporting events at my school. One of the sport events consisted of a basketball game between the school's faculties and the school's varsity student basketball team. We also held other events like fashion shows and casino nights. At these events, I had the pleasure of meeting several cancer survivors and was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to hear their remarkable stories.

In the end, my team managed to raise over $20,000 dollars. It was an incredible feeling; one that I cannot be put in simple words. We all knew that the money we raised was going to help promote the research in curing cancer.

Because of this experience, I have become a more active individual. I became more involved in community services. I know that contributions toward society will always benefit another in need. Due to this experience, it has inspired me to use my talents and skills to help others, and to take full advantage of my college degree in order to make the world a better place.

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Jan 10, 2010   #2
That first para is a GREAT start. It catches the attention, and it shows the reader that you are interested in a meaningful topic. However, making it only 2 sentences long is kind of like wasting an opportunity to pack a hard punch with the essay.

Instead of ending that first para abruptly and continuing the story in para #2, add some more to para #1 so that it expresses a powerful idea/theme... a moral to the story. That will make the whole essay more memorable, and it will give you something to reflect on in the conclusion -- which is a little too simple. Can you dig a little deeper in the conclusion and make a connection between this and your chosen career?

Due to this experience, it has inspired me I am ready to use my talents... (you can't say it inspired you due to itself...)

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