Looking back, moving to the United States was the finest decision my parents ever made for my future. However, the rocky days that followed my first years in America weren't so appealing or pleasant. As I sobbed my way to the Ahmedabad airport, I fluttered one last goodbye to my close friends, family, and neighbors. Knowing I wouldn't see them in a while, I yelled and screamed at my parents for compelling me to move to the United States. Even thought it was my first time on a plane, I wasn't enthusiastic or hyper for the sixteen hours that we had in the air.
My first thoughts as I walked out the international airport were beyond my imagination. So many people, so many cars, and so much traffic. This was definitely not the same as India. I was greeted by my aunt and uncle who had been living in the United States for twenty years. After two months of observing, exploring, and questioning, I became accustomed to the environment and the people. I even began to love it. That is, until my first day of school, a day every child dreads of when they first move to a new country, state, city, or town. As I got on the bus and sat in a seat all by myself I wondered what school would be like in America. Walking into the classroom, everyone stared at me. Quietly whispering behind my back about the clothes I was wearing and the way I looked. A skinny little Indian boy, they weren't used to, the new kid.
As the days passed and I scarcely carried on, there were times where kids would come up to me and ask me if I was from Afghanistan, Iraq, or an Arab (with the southern accent). Confused, I realized these stereotypes would continue and there was nothing I could do about it. Other days, when I tried making friends or interacting with other kids, I was ignored and at some points, told "to go back to my own country, you terrorist." Alarmed, irritated, and infuriated, I wasn't able to comprehend how kids, who are thought of as innocent and as the only human beings who don't judge or criticize a person based on their skin color, could say such harmful things to me. These occurrences caused by enthusiasm and passion towards school to slowly deplete. Before, school was the best part of my day, the idea of getting to learn something new everyday aroused me. Finally acknowledging that I would never be accepted into the mainstream society of the United States, I began to give up.
However, the following years, things began to change. My fellow classmates began to interact with me. They began to take an interest in my culture and realized the exciting things I had to offer. And just like that, in just a matter of just two years, I wasn't the "skinny little Indian boy who looked like a terrorist."
Hi Aman, here's my feedback for each paragraph of your essay. I hope that you can follow through.
1st paragraph:
- the rocky days that followed my first yearsyear in America weren'twere not so appealing or pleasant.
- Knowing I wouldn'twould not see them in a while, I yelled and screamed at my parents for compelling me...
- Even thoughtthough it was my first time on a plane, I wasn'twas not enthusiastic or hyper for the sixteen hourssixteen-hour that we...
2nd paragraph:
- My first thoughts as I walked out the international airport werewas beyond my imagination.
- There are so many people, so many cars, and so much traffic.
- A skinny little Indian boy that they weren'twere not used to see , the new kid.
Apart from the corrections above, I would like to give some insights related to the content of your essay. I think that you need to focus to re-read and probably revise the last paragraph of your essay. In that paragraph you've said "things began to change" but the readers are questioning or wondering. What makes "things began to change"? Is it only time? or you did some remarkable achievements that made them changed their views about you. You need to elaborate this idea further. This can be beneficial to the development of your essay.
Cheers :)
Hi Aman, know what, when it comes to hardships, I believe everybody does have their own share of this part of life, as I always say, hardships, struggles and all the bitter episodes that we have and we will have for the next days to come, are the many different ingredients that make life more meaningful. As what they say, if life is always about happiness, life will not be life at all.
Moving on, I believe the essay is well managed, you made sure that there is a progress of the story that you are trying to tell your readers. What more to it, is the fact that you manage to streamline the purpose of the essay, you made sure that there is nothing more that will be talked about but the truth about our hardships and what we do to overcome them.
Further to the final paragraph of the essay, below are my suggestions;
- However, the followingpast few years,
- I had tocan offer. And, and just like that, in just a matter of just two years,
There you have it Aman, I hope this is helpful.
