I feel like this is weak. Please review.
The basic prompt is: What interests you about Davidson, and what do you expect to contribute?
I first became interested in Davidson College during my sophomore year, while flipping through a college guidebook. Back then, I had never even heard of the school; thus, I was a bit clueless as to what was actually offered. However, the more I researched the school, the more intrigued I became. The three main attributes of this school that especially appealed to me were the honor code enforcement, the liberal arts education offered, and the fact that it is an all-undergraduate institution.
Some may argue that every school enforces an honor code; thus, Davidson is no different from other institutions. After talking to representatives from this school and reading the "On Our Honor" brochure on the Davidson website, I can say I strongly disagree. Davidson's Honor Code is an integral part of student and faculty life; if it were not, the level of interaction between faculty and students would not be possible. From past experiences at a Baptist elementary and middle school, I know that values instilled at an early age and reinforced throughout the formative years play a crucial role to a person's development. In as enriching as my middle school was in that respect, the focus seemed to be more on sermons than actual practice. At Davidson, I trust that the Honor Code will not be preached at us; we are simply expected to carry it out in all we do.
The liberal arts education offered at this institution is almost sure to equip an alumnus with an understanding of all aspects of life, both in and out of the classroom. I have never been able to understand how a history major can completely avoid the sciences and still consider himself or herself "educated", just as I cannot understand the computer science major who cannot write. Davidson's requirements will shape a student's faculties all across the board.
All-undergraduate colleges, by their very nature, provide more one-on-one attention than large universities. This is something that I very much appreciate; I know I cannot have this anywhere else. Undergraduates elsewhere might be simply lab assistants instead of researchers; they might just go through the motions of reading Camus instead of delving into the study of existentialist literature. At Davidson, I know that this will not be the case. We, as students, will be given multiple opportunities to engage in discussion and hands-on learning.
As a member of the Davidson community, I will contribute my dedication to and passion for the academics in classroom discussions and work, as well as any research project I become involved with. I will also enrich the world through engagement in the arts (in some form or fashion.) Most importantly, I will give back to the community and help others achieve their goals as much I aspire for my own. After all, what is a community of learners if not together in reaching new heights?
To summarize, I admire the practice of the Honor Code, the shaping of a student's education, and the level of student-faculty interaction-----all of which are unique to Davidson. I believe the school would be enriched by the addition of a big-hearted, four-foot-eleven teenager with a dedication for her work and love for science and community service. I trust that Davidson's academics are excellent, and that the community is welcoming. Thus, I have every reason to believe that Davidson is the best that anyone can possibly ask for. For these reasons, I firmly believe that this college is the place for me.
Good afternoon :)
I suggest moving from the past/passive voice to a present/active voice for this piece. For instance:
"I became interested in Davidson College during my sophomore year; I found it while flipping through a college guidebook. I had never even heard of the school; thus, I was a bit clueless as to what was actually offered. The more I researched the school, the more intrigued I became. The three main attributes of this school that especially appeal to me are the honor code enforcement, the liberal arts education options, and the fact that it is an all-undergraduate institution."
This helps your piece become stronger by conveying more confidence and being stronger in regards to the structural integrity of your sentences. I think your content is good, but it is your word choice and overall tone that is making the piece appear "weak" to you.
Regards,
Gloria
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