Could someone please edit this for me?
There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today. (200 words)
I disliked pre-school. I remember crying every morning and refusing to get out of bed on a school day. This trick worked exceptionally well. My parents pulled me out after a week's unpleasantness. Both of my parents worked long shifts. My father is a heart surgeon and my mother an engineer. As a result, they'd take me to work when there's no one to take care of me during the day. Some of my earliest recollections include seeing a black film of a living ghost in the hospital ward, and some blue papers with lines and numbers and bizarre shapes on it at my mother's engineering firm. I later discovered what x-ray film and blueprints are, and the fact that living ghosts never existed in reality. As I grew older and started school, I'd still go hang around at my parent's workplace sometimes. Whether it was helping nurses fill out patient chart, observing the making of blueprints, or assisting father dissect a pig heart for his research, there was always something to satisfy my seemingly uncontainable curiosity. My time at my parents workplace opened my eyes to a whole new world outside classroom, and showed me in more ways than one that the most valuable knowledge always comes from experience. As I'm about to embark on a new journey, I impatiently await the experience that lies ahead at Tufts that will expand my knowledge and enrich my life.
This is good but you didn't really say how it influenced the person you are today. For example, do you want to be a heart surgeon like your dad because hanging around him a lot made you interested. or do you want to be an engineer like your mom because you found it fascinatig? What is it that you want to do
Also, your unique writing style makes the essay a little boring. Each sentence is so short you really do not end up saying that much.
his trick worked exceptionally well. My parents pulled me out after a week's unpleasantness. Both of my parents worked long shifts. My father is a heart surgeon and my mother an engineer.
I liked it though. Good luck!
yeh i kinda felt the same after writing it. Guess i could add some stuff about how realizing the importance of learning from experience influenced my choice of extracurricular activities/study abroad and such. Think that could work? Thanks for the help tho
.... WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING THIS
im transferring
Shannon, it is okay for people to collaborate about essays even if the deadline has passed. The reason for this forum involves more than just helping people with admissions essays; it's to help people improve their writing now and in the future. I see that you are on some kind of crusade to get people to stop working with essays after the deadlines pass! :-)
This trick worked exceptionally well; my parents pulled...
I suggest a semi-colon here to show that these two sentences go together.
As a result, they'd take me to work when there was no one to take care of me during the day. (I would end the first paragraph here and let the next sentence be the start of paragraph 2.)
