I am writing my short response essay and it is based on culture and I am having a hard time coming up with a topic. This is what I have now. This is a really rough draft as of now. Please tell me what you think and any feedback is welcome. I am stressed about this essay more than any other one. The topic choices are
1. The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?
OR
2. Describe an experience of cultural difference or insensitivity you have had or observed. What did you learn from it?
It was the summer of 2010 and I was going on my first vacation to Disneyland. After I arrived the first thing I noticed was how different it was from my home state. There was some diversity but nothing like what California had. There was so many different people from different backgrounds and it was nothing like I had seen before. People were talking so many different languages and I remember thinking how cool it was.
They had so many different ethnic restaurants that I have never even heard of before because the only places we had was a Mexican and Chinese restaurant. I loved being around all the different cultures. Being surrounded by so many different kinds of people and backgrounds intrigued me on so many levels. I wish the city I live in would have the kind of diversity the bigger cities do because the things you can learn from different cultures are breathtaking.
I would suggest possibly talking about the differences between your hometown and what you experienced in California, maybe you could talk about the benefit of different viewpoints.
On that note, maybe talk about just a difference of viewpoints/general backgrounds you have experienced in class and how they were beneficial. Or you could go the opposite direction and talk about how differences can cause harm in one of your communities.
Katlyn, your response to the prompt regarding cultural difference and diversity (that is the prompt that best suits the statement you developed) can be considered average at best. It lacks a personal connection between the experience and any possible lessons you may have learned from it. It sounds more like a 4th grade "What I did During My Summer Vacation" essay than a formal college application.
You need to develop at least a senior level of word usage and difficulty to show your higher level of intellectual learning at this point. Like I said, the essay was developed in too elementary a manner to make an impact upon the reviewer. If you wish to make an impact, then you first need to develop your word usage. Now, don't go overboard and pull out a dictionary so you can use the most difficult sounding words. Don't mistake flowery essays for a good essay either. Just write this as you would your senior level essay paper in English. Show a degree if difficulty in word usage, sans becoming verbose.
Next, you need to better develop the idea behind your narrative. Your observations did not somehow make any strong impact upon you. It wasn't like you actually experience mingling with the people beyond observing them. The essay is not asking you to describe the community you come from, although that did help your essay a bit. Instead, look for a way that you were able to actually interact with these people in Disneyland and describe something that you learned from sharing a ride with them, waiting in line with them, or having a meal together. The key to making this essay effective is to show that you spent time with these people of other cultures, were able to observe the way they honored their culture and traditions, and learned from that interaction. You will need to discuss how this experience changed your point of view about them , or not. Those are the points that will fulfill the prompt requirements.
Your essay has potential, but I didn't feel anything when I read it. Use more descriptive words to make me feel the same impact you felt when you were conversing with Zara!
Katlyn, the essay you have has a lot more to go.
You started strong here but you still have to write a few more sentences to make it worth
for the prompt.
I believe there are a few students here on EF who did the same prompt, it's not bad to do a healthy comparison,
this will allow you to compare your work with others and hopefully get some insights to further your essay and come
up with a stronger one for your final essay submission.
Keep your essay the way it is now and add a few more sentences that will depict the influence of different cultures
to the person you are now.
I hope to see your final essay here on EF so we can assist you further.
Hi Katlyn
Reading your experience with different culture (Indian culture ) , it appears to me you should go with the first prompt writing about how you can contribute.
Here is the choice:
In the second prompt, it is being asked to share a cultural experience , the insensitive one : You need to decide if you ever faced any insensitive cultural difference in your life or not and if you can write about it that what you finally learned from it. Say, something negative happened related to culture. Then go with the second prompt.
But if you do not have such experience , then go with the first prompt. It is always best to chose the prompt on the basis that will you be able to write on it or not.
Hope this helps :)
Suggestions for your essay from my side are :
California was full of many different types of people.
We talked about many things (I learned in the essay forum that we should always avoid this word "things", may be you can say : We talked about our culture/origin/nation), but my favorite was hearing about ...
The way they lived is so different( It will be good if you can describe about how it is different ) from ours but it was so impacting to hear. I learned many things(Same : avoid this word , may be you can write what you learned ) from the small conversation I engaged with her. Seeing a different type of culture and hearing it from someone that actually experienced it is fascinating. I could never forget the conversation I had with Zara and the impact(You did not mentioned what impact it had on you) she had on me.
Good luck :)
My first family vacation was when my mother took my sister and I to Disneyland. California was full of different types of people. I remember waiting in line for at least an hour to get on a ride. There was a family of four in front of us and there was a young Indian girl about my age. I initiated a conversation with her and to my luck she knew English. I learned her name to be Zara. We talked about many topics, but my favorite was hearing about where she was from and the traditions they were accustomed to. She lived in a small house outside of New Delhi with her parents and little brother. Her family knew English but mainly spoke Hindi. She taught me some common words and I remember being amazed by it because it was a language I have never heard of before. The food she told me they ate is very different from what I usually eat and I remember begging my mother to take me to some kind of Indian restaurant to try the wonderful food she described to me. All of her uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents would gather for a family dinner each week and that is completely different from my family because we would only gather on holidays. I learned many things from the small conversation I engaged with her. Seeing a different type of culture and hearing it from someone that actually experienced it is fascinating. She taught me that everyone is raised differently and it is our culture that makes us unique and we need to accept everyone for who they are. I could never forget the conversation I had with Zara and the lesson she had taught me.
I added a few sentences here and a few more descriptive words. Also does this essay follow the prompt given or should I just start over?
Hi Katlyn
I do not think that you need to start over . The essay is good , may be you need to add a conclusive paragraph in the end. This is main part but you need to conclude your essay : could be with more instances like this or more about you that based on this how will you eventually contribute to the community as asked in the prompt. This is what I think because I am really not aware of the format for such type of essays .You can check other essays as Ivy sir recommended. Hope it helps :)
The food she told me they ate is very different from what I usually eat and I remember beggingasking my mother to take me to some kind of Indian restaurant to try the wonderful food sheZara described to me. All of her uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents would gather for a family dinner each week and that is completely different from my family because we would only gather on holidays. I learned many things (Avoid this word: Write what else you learned or write it like this : I learned that though we were so different from each other , still we had a good time talking to each other and this made me realized that differences brought us closer sometimes )from the small conversation I engaged with her.
I am at word limit though of 300 words so I do not know what I should do. Do you have any ideas what I could take out or change to make a more conclusive ending?
