Hi everyone! I was wondering if you guys could give me your thoughts and opinions about this essay, as well as some tips on how to improve it. Thanks!! Your comments are greatly appreciated!
Essay Option 3. Salt, governments, beliefs, and celebrity couples are a few examples of things that can be dissolved. You've just been granted the power to dissolve anything: physical, metaphorical, abstract, concrete...you name it. What do you dissolve, and what solvent do you use?
The words gradually faded until they were nothing but mere blotches of color. They were the same words that have affected millions of people all around the world whether it be directly or indirectly. They come in all sorts of "colors": race, gender, religion, and sexuality. However, no matter what we call them, ultimately, they're just stereotypes.
There was a crowd of people on the main quad waiting to participate in the lunch anti-hate week activity: "Dissolving Stereotypes". The person next to me passed me a washable marker and a slip of paper. "Here," she said, giving me a sweet smile, "it's all yours." It didn't take me long to think of a stereotype and I quickly scribbled down, "All Asians look the same", and passed the marker on. I peered into the pool of water where other students' stereotypes were already dissolving. I saw phrases similar to mine, and others that made me cringe inside. I slipped 'my' stereotype into the pool and watched as it, too, began dissolving. The words smeared and became illegible and eventually, all that was left was a blank slip of paper.
If only it were really that easy to dissolve the stereotypes around the world.
During my junior year, I was invited to attend our school's annual Camp Everytown. Camp Everytown is a four day program that brings high school students together to become more aware of the social divides our community faces. One activity in particular had a substantial effect on how I viewed stereotypes. The boys were told to stand up whenever they heard a phrase that applied to themselves. Phrases such as, "I was told not to cry because I'm a man", "I have done drugs to make myself feel better", and "I do things I don't want to do to prove my manhood", were called and many of my own friends stood up one by one. And then, it was the girls' turn. This activity gradually stripped away the layers and layers we have plastered on to protect ourselves from being "socially unacceptable". Everyone became transparent and what was left were the raw emotions we each felt. The facades were broken and I was finally able to see the impact that stereotypes have on people's lives.
Although water might not be a solvent we could use in real life, what I would use instead is self awareness. Through this activity, I became more aware of how my words and actions can affect people. The stereotypes that seemed so insignificant in the past became phrases that could hurt people in real and tangible ways. At Camp Everytown, we were able to dissolves these stereotypes by coming together and see different perspectives. By doing so, we understood each other's pain and desire to fit in and we were able to see one another without judgements. With self awareness, we would be able to see each other as blank slips of paper.
Is it too cliche?
I think it is a bit too cliched :( sorry!
the problem is, thousands of Asian applicants will be applying to this university. This essay could essentially refer to any of them.
It has to be unique, something no one else can use. Stereotypes is likely to be a very common one, and although your essay is well written, it could apply to virtually any asian applicant.
Try to make it quirky and unique. I know uchicago loves that!
Let's to either this
were nothing but mere blotches
or this:
nothing but blotches
(I think nothing but means the same as mere, so... it is better to use only one or the other.)
is self awareness. ---It might be better as just awareness, not self-awareness.
You did a great job with this, very clever. You wrote this in a way that is really inspirational to read, and it is impressive that you were able to respond to their prompt so expertly.
It will be great if you give the whole thing some cohesiveness by using a key phrase at the beginning, middle, and end. I feel lost when I get to what seems like a new beginning when you start the paragraph, "During my junior..." so... some topic sentences and transition sentences will help a little. This is very good, though, tofuu!
