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"our district championship" - Common App Elaboration--150 words.


bhangra369 8 / 11  
Nov 22, 2008   #1
Please review. (The word count stands at 148 words.)

Prompt: Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities.

Let's just get this tiebreaker, I think. Just get this tiebreaker.
The moderator begins. The words fall into place; "short stories"----"London slum"----then finally, "...author of Liza of Lambeth." I buzz in without thinking; the reader looks at me questioningly.

"Maugham?"
"Correct!"
Cheers go up from around me, the sounds of my Brain Bowl teammates' exultations. Even the captain of our team, normally stoic, is all smiles as he tells his friend, "We won because of the best buzz ever!" As we leave the room, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

In that instant, I saw potency in my own knowledge as clearly as I saw my teammates' capabilities. As we left the room, I knew that we could do anything we set out to---and I was right. That win led to another, and another, until that glorious day when we won our district championship.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 22, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

This is a very good short response. The only thing I can see is to avoid using contractions, because they are inappropriate in formal academic writing. "Let's" should be "let us."

Other than that, I wouldn't change anything! Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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