I need help correcting any errors, and is it good? thank you
"Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver as stride into the abyss. Once a month, I gear up in my wet suit and tank and scuba dive off the coast of Key Largo, Florida to observe coral reefs. Although diving dangers persist, I find the risks overcome by the soothing effects on my mind. When I find a reef, I leap off the boat and slowly descend 25 feet. All the bright greens, yellows, and reds of the coral perfectly capture the essence of natural balance. My mind falls prey to this balance and relieves itself of all the stress it endured in school, work, and home. Simultaneously, my heart flows into a cadence with the slow rolling of the waves above, replacing my frustration with tranquility. The anemones innate ability to move in unison teases my mind to flow through life harmoniously, for at times I diverge. As I gravitate over the reef, I take one final look, then ascend. Surfacing, I release the remnants of old air in my lungs to please myself with a new breath of life.
hm... a very interesting piece.
a few mistakes though:
"Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver as he strides into the abyss-
Surfacing, I release the remnants of old air in my lungs to please (it's just my opinion, but I think it is a bit awkward to say please. perhaps another word. can't think of it right now but I will tell you later) myself with a new breath of life.
How about revitalize??? and do you like it for real...
Well...
I do think it is a bit of arcane, but it is very unique. But I am a kid- so I don't understand as much as you so don't trust all of what I say :).
But it is an exceptional essay, as usual. I love your style of writing and I have followed all of your essays. You're definitely Yale and Wharton material and I hope you get in! You can notify me when you get in. :)
Thank you, I realize not many people will understand but I did limit the technicalities...
You are very mature for your age...and I will let you know if I get in! If I do I will be your inside man...lol..
ha. your essays are always amazing. Yale is my dream college too :). But I like economics but it seems I try to force myself to read the "economist" because a lot of its topics are mundane (I mean I don't understand when it talks about so many different taxes, ie. corporate tax, blah blah blah and GDP. Well I understand the GDP part but it is very confusing me. Wharton is very hard to get into though.
As regards to your essay, what are you really trying to express? I feel that you are showing your passion for scuba diving but I can't really get that feeling. Did you hear of a person who got into Yale by writing about how Yale used sand instead of salt in the winter? Also, someone else described her hobby in such a way that you can see her passion; I can't really feel that in your essay.
hope I wasn't too harsh. Just trying to give my 2 cents :) hope I helped
