Please provide constructive criticism... ASAP
Deadlines are looming!!
Thanks to all who answer the call!
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Although my race and gender as an African American female are the most easily distinguishable characteristics of my diversity, a further look at my background will reveal several other factors that increase my diverse contribution. My educational background, socioeconomic status, former disabilities, age, religion and geographical demographic also represent examples of the diversity my presence would contribute to a law school student body.
Though the sexism, racism and prejudice that I have faced as an African American woman is not unique, my response to adversity and injustice are noted. At the detriment of my career sometimes, I have chosen to adhere to an ethical commitment to justice and to improve the journey for future professionals. Although this ethical standard began at home, my matriculation through a historically black undergraduate institution solidified my desire to work toward equality and to positively impact society through my profession.
As a child, my family impressed the need for quality education and specifically impressed the importance of attending a historically black university to improve my chances of success as an African American professional in a sometimes racially and socioeconomically segregated society. Although my family has not historically had significant financial resources, my family story offers a rich history of overcoming adversity, even through discrimination and personal illness.
When I was personally struck by illness, my family history offered the blueprint by which I survived and, ultimately, by which my personal and professional purpose was redefined. The proximity of our family home to a chemical plant was suspected, but never proven, to have caused several personal illnesses including hypothyroidism, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and a large benign nodule. As I fought against accepting the demographic title of 'disabled,' my experience as a patient with a life-altering illness increased my compassion for others and improved my awareness of patient issues including record privacy and legislation. My experience as a patient also resulted in an improved faith in God, improved family relationships and an increased emphasis on finding peace and joy in my life.
Although I have been presented with considerable challenges to my personal and professional goals, I continue to strive to make a positive contribution to society and to fight against the negative stigmas associated with inclusion in certain demographic groups. As a result, I am excited about my future opportunities and look forward to contributing my unique perspective and life's experiences to the practice of law and helping to advance the State of Louisiana.
I like that introduction! I think it needs a short sentence added to the end. It should be a very quick sentence... < 10 words ;-)
Though the sexism, racism and prejudice that I have faced as an African American woman is are not ...---Well, you should give a brief example of some of it... if you do not give a little example, it is rather meaningless to say this.
... challenges to my personal and professional goals I don't think you should say "challenges to my goals."
, I continue to strive to make a positive contribution to society and to fight against the negative stigmas associated with inclusion in certain demographic groups. nevermind that, it is not all about the diversity. Take this opportunity at the end to share your legal interests and ideas...
As a result, I am excited about my future opportunities and look forward to contributing my unique perspective and life's experiences to the practice of law and helping to advance the State of Louisiana. this part, too...it is empty of meaning. It is just some nice sounding words. You need to end the essay with something substantial. Share a real thought about law and how you can make a big splash in the world after completing their program. :-)
