Hi, below is my first draft of the Rutgers Undergrad. Essay. I'm not the best writer so please make as many corrections as you think possible. thank you!
Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
It was like any other day in my honors US history class during my sophomore year when my teacher began describing his trip to some state in the Midwest. He is a comical man, so he was telling us jokingly about how over there rush hour is comprised of only two cars as compared to the bumper to bumper traffic jams we have here in New Jersey. He was also telling us that he met a man there whom he befriended. This man said that my teacher was his first Jewish friend. Everyone in our class laughed, and found it so surprising. I guess most of us were so astonished because the place that we live in (Central New Jersey) is filled with so many different types of people, that it seems sort of impossible to not meet someone of another race, culture or religion. We were also amazed at the fact that there are places on this Earth, let alone in the United States, where people weren't accustomed to the gift of diversity.
Ever since my teacher had told us about that story, I have been thinking about what my life would be like without such diversity. Maybe I would have been ignorant to the other types of people out there in the world, or maybe I just would have been all the more curious. Nevertheless, I am glad that I was exposed to such a variety of different people at an early age.
Since I am so used to such diversity, going to Rutgers would not seem so foreign to me. I would not feel as if I've entered a completely new world just because I've entered college. I believe that by being a student at Rutgers University, I would meet a ton of new people with a "wide variety of backgrounds and experience." And by meeting all these new people I believe that I will get to know more about these backgrounds and perhaps find out about new cultures and ideas. With such knowledge, I know that Rutgers will shape me into the adult I have been planning to be my entire life.
I would definitely benefit from the Rutgers environment, but I would also contribute to it. As a Rutgers student I would do a lot of volunteering as I have been doing throughout my high school career. I have volunteered at a variety of places, but the one that I go to regularly is Robert Wood Johnson Hospital. Volunteering there makes me realize how delicate life is, and when I can see a smile on even just one patient, it makes me feel so delighted inside. I honestly love the feeling of giving back to the community I am a part of. Another thing I would like to do at Rutgers is perform, preferably sing, in front of an audience. Maybe in a talent show of some sort, but I would love to just get on stage. Usually getting onto a stage while numerous eyes are on me, and only me, makes me quite nervous. I performed in my school talent show junior year, and although I did not win the grand prize, the joy I felt when I performed was enough (And the claps, cheers and chants from the audience were great too). I was also a part of the school's drama club sophomore year, and performed in an annual show called "Theater Revue". As a student at Rutgers I would love to perform on stage with an even bigger crowd cheering me on. I would love it even more since you don't see that many Pakistani-Americans singing on stage (in my experience). In that way I would be both fulfilling an interest of mine as well as diversifying the type of talent on stage.
Overall, I feel as if every person I have encountered in my life has molded me into the person I am today. And I know that the "molding and shaping" wont stop, since I will keep on meeting new people as life goes on. And I know that Rutgers will provide me with the opportunity to meet those new people. And like I stated earlier, Rutgers would play a huge role in turning me into the adult I have been eagerly waiting to be my entire life.
The beginning of your essay was interesting because you had started off with a personal event. Then you somewhat began to ramble on with what you want from Rutgers and what you can give. You don't want to list out things you already have on your resume because that is all already known. You can get more creative with this prompt. The question is left very open so I suggest that you pick one personal event and elaborate on it. Something that is significant in your life that had made you open your eyes as to why things are the way they are. By focusing on one event, one accomplishment, or one trial, it will keep the admissions officer more focused. Anyone can say "I want this, I will give that, etc." But if you talk about a life experience that came from you, it can capture whoever is reading your essay and make the difference.
Good luck! :)
... many different types of people, that it seems sort of impossible to not meet someone of another race, culture or religion. ---- very interesting observation. This is good writing.
Another thing I would like to do at Rutgers is perform, preferably sing, in front of an audience. ----- excellent detail. If you spend one day trying, you can learn to play guitar. That is helpful for singing.
Maybe in a talent show of some sort, but I would love to just get on stage This sentence is not helpful.
Take out some of the stuff about the cheering crowd and replace it with some sentences about your personal philosophy... what is meaningful to you about performing arts... what it means for your career... what does your interest in performance say about your philosophy of life?
Also, the last sentence is boring.
Ha ha, I just think you wrote SO so so well at the beginning, and then it got boring in the middle,,,,, but you can fix it! Talk about your plans and about what is important to you... what is unique about this school that makes it compatible with your unique ideas?
