Hey guys, any feedback would be highly appreciated!
SUGGESTIONS!
Thanks in advance.
"We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
I was in ninth grade, when I walked out of Chelsea High School haughtily while grasping onto my Rank one state solo-ensemble competition medal.
To say that I felt victorious and utterly achieved would have been an understatement.
The feeling of joy furnished my body, I could not have asked for more.
I still often reflect upon the sensation I caressed that moment.
I remember clearly that whatever I had felt that day did not completely come from the accomplishment I conveyed, but from the amount of pride I had in myself as a Chinese.
As a Chinese growing up in the United States, I see my constantly-alternating background as mystery that can never be solved.
Trying to fully understand and define my culture in words, would be harder than finding a needle in a haystack.
As a result of diversity, I have been able to contribute my unique ideas and offer others my insights to every problem I have encountered.
As I have done for others, the diversity in the population of people I have encountered in life have also helped me see and understand the world in ways I have never seen before.
I strongly believe in order for University of Michigan to continue to prosper, it will require diversity of every sort.
Even though I may appear to be just another black hair brown eyed student, deep down, I have much more than my appearance to offer.
My distinct intellectual pursuits will add an unparalleled color to the ever-changing spectrum of the University of Michigan population.
259 words
I was in ninth grade [no comma] when I walked out of Chelsea High School haughtily [comma]
I think you should try to connect your idea together more and help the idea flow cohesively.
I like the language you used, simple and deep, but in some places, other words that reflect more motion could substitute the passive words without sounding too complicated. For example, trying to fully 'grasp' instead of 'understand' puts more fun into reading your essay. Otherwise, it sounds a little dead and boring. (use colorful words in other words)
