"Diversity makes us a better university for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."

First draft of this essay, I suppose. I've been rattling my brain, trying to figure out why the write about. I'm still a bit iffy about how appropriate it is. At the very least, it's honest. What do you think? (Seeking general critiques, also.)

"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

Answer:
Most of my life, I attended schools in predominately Hispanic areas in the poorer parts of Phoenix, Arizona. However, the time I remember most, where the "proper socioeconomic status" was engrained into my cultural brain, was when I lived in a master-planned community in the upscale suburbs of Peoria, Arizona, where I attended middle and high school. That's not to say that my family was upscale; we moved to Toledo, where my uncle had offered us a house to live in, since the other option was losing our home and either bunking with some other family, or living on the streets.

Living a false life as some wealthy hipster was great, and I don't think anybody would truly deny that. But I felt that most of my friends, although sincere and excellent people, took their wealth for granted. It was going to be there, whether they worked for it or not, whether or not they attended college or got good grades. But the possibility of me actually living the Peoria life was based on getting my degree. I think that wealth is the great motivator for America's poor youth, even if that does sound superficial. We don't strive to succeed just for the A's on our report card. Living the poor life makes us want to achieve something greater. Our social standing may have set us back in the first half of the race, but the drive to live comfortably, amply, gives us the sprinting boost during the final leg.

Interesting and honest, two strong points in favor of your essay. However, I'm not sure that it answers the prompt:


Okay, you decided that coming for a lower class background was a good academic motivator. How does that show respect for people from *other* backgrounds, that is, from backgrounds different from your own? What other differences did you notice between poor and wealthy? Did these overlap with other differences, either in terms of values and politics (intellectual differences) or in terms of ethnic backgrounds and cultural practices (cultural differences)? What did you learn from being exposed to these differences? How did this cause you to respect people from different backgrounds?

Also, you haven't answered the second part of the prompt at all:


So, while your essay is interesting and well-written, it needs elaborating on greatly in order to actually be appropriate as a response to this particular prompt.

Hi DylanH,

For most of my life, I attended schools

was engrained Should it be ingrained? into my cultural brain

middle and high schools

That's Do not use contractions not to say that my family was upscale Try not to use the word upscale twice in a short essay

I don't do not think anybody would truly deny that; We don't do not strive to succeed

although sincere and excellent people

I like your last sentence. Powerful and filled with ambitions. It gave me the urge to comment after reading.

A pity that such a fine piece of writing doesn't really answer the prompt. The key thing to the first part of the prompt is "So having been through these, what have you learned?"

EF_Sean
I must have read the prompt differently. I didn't think it was specifically asking for an experience where I gained respect for others' intellectual, social, or cultural differences. If that's what the prompt is really asking, I should probably come up with a completely different response. I'll just file this one away; maybe it'll answer some other prompt on some other application.

Your mentioning of values and politics is interesting, considering I'm looking to major in political science. The different places I've lived have all had different political leanings, from social conservative to liberal. That might be a better topic to write about.

qyuiosilent
Thank you. :) I'll have to ingrain the contraction rule in to my essay writing style.

Here's my second try. I'm having a hard time answering both parts of the prompt sufficiently in so little words... This response is exactly 250 words.

Answer:

I have lived in numerous areas from the Southwest to the Midwest United States. As a politically-minded individual, I could not help but notice and experience the varying political climates of the neighborhoods, cities, and states that I lived in.

My move to Toledo, Ohio brought me from the town of Peoria, Arizona, a town of devout Mormons, mostly Republicans with conservative social values, mostly well-off, to a relatively liberal working-class city. There, in my government class, I frequently spoke with a self-described conservative classmate. He provided insight of what it was like to be a conservative living in a liberal area.

Once, he commented that he gave up on arguing his views, because liberals thought him as an uneducated right-winger. I think I will remember this classmate for a long time, because he made me realize how much we lose by not listening to contrary opinions. He was a smart kid, but he didn't feel that way, so he chose to stop voicing his opinion, which is antithetical to the democratic process and a huge loss for our over-polarized generation.

I believe that a new form of politics needs to be created, one where we can still disagree, but nobody will feel ostracized from their community for their political ideology. As a student studying politics, the diversity of the regions I have lived in would help at eventually achieving this goal. At the University of Michigan, my contribution would be an mind open to views other than my own.