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When my dog died - Most Significant challenge I faced - MIT Prompt


prmchpra7 2 / 3 1  
Oct 22, 2019   #1
Hi,

Following is only a first draft of mit prompt "Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (250 words)" I would really appreciate if someone can give me feedback in regard to the content of the essay. Once I am able to get the content going that is answering the prompt properly, I will start improving my overall phrasing and grammar etc.

overcoming depression



When my dog died, I was feeling very depressed. Over the next few months, my grades declined by a few percentage in my academics and my participation decreased in extracurricular activities, my parents decided to take me to a vacation for to cheer me up. After the vacation, I started performing well in everything and was back on track. My parents were happy with my performance. My grades were up, and my participation increased in chess, karate and other tournaments. But I still had the feeling of emptiness inside of me. I always felt unhappy, but I did a good job of hiding it from my parents, my friends and other people. I would pretend to be normal, attend social events, joke around. What I would feel is content for short periods of time followed by raw emptiness feeling inside of me. I decided to act on this and started improving myself. I started learning music, exercising regularly and eating healthy. Nothing seemed to work, and I constantly found myself wondering the meaning of life and death. I was asking myself what my purpose is and how do I matter in this vast universe. Until one day when I was sitting on a dark night alone in a park just staring at a sky. Suddenly I saw a shooting star. This was the first time I have ever seen one. This was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I also felt the feeling the feeling of "light" inside of me which I haven't felt in a while. I started seeking out more places outside of the city where I could observe the sky without light pollution. I even bought a telescope. When I looked through the telescope, I was wonderstruck by the beauty that lies within our universe. I have never seen such a beautiful sight before in my life. The more I looked at this, the more I realized the meaning behind everything. I realized how little piece I was in this vast board game people call "Universe". There is so much to know yet we know next to nothing. The mysteries of this universe excite me. Since that night, everyday I wake up to with a purpose to learn as much as I can. Everything I have done, I have done with that purpose in my mind. The most amazing part is the more I learn, the more I get inspired to learn even more and I can never get enough of this. I don't know where I will be from 5 or 10 years from now, but all I know is that I will never stop my thirst for knowledge.

Maria - / 1,102 389  
Oct 24, 2019   #2
@prmchpra7
Hello there! Good luck on your MIT application. I'm going to provide you with feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this sheds a bit of light on you on what to anticipate regarding the application!

Firstly, while I appreciate that you jumped into the context of writing immediately, it would have been better if you had incorporated a more substantive approach. For instance, the first paragraph immediately did not start with a thesis sentence. The thesis statement is extremely important, especially if you ought that this content be treated professionally by evaluators.

Furthermore, there seems to be a lack of division in between your paragraphs. Having just one block of text will not give you much benefits, especially because it may even confuse your readers even more so. Try to compartmentalize and keep everything as organized as possible!


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