Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.
MY ESSAY
High school time will always be my favourite period of time. Recalling about that makes me somehow miss being a high school student. I believe I have always been a productive student inside as well as outside of the classroom. I have always tried my best to succeed in all the classes I attended. I have always been eager to share my ideas into any discussion so I could gain experiences from others' points of views. Outside the classroom, I was a member of many clubs, associations, and activities. One major activity I was apart in high school that I have always been proud of was Student Representative Council. Being the Head of Student Representative Council has given me a chance to express myself, to "break out of my shell". I am still very proud of what I have done for my school, as well as for myself. I have organized many activities for the school, from social charities to school's events, parties. I have identified and overcome problems, recognized and eliminated misunderstandings in the council because I have known that I was a leader, I was someone who had been trusted to bring other students worthy times spending in high school and these were my objectives, my job, my mission. Even though, 2 years ago, when I was in grade 10, I found it quite difficult to balance my school work with Student Representative Council's work but everything happened that year absolutely has taught me countless valuable experiences, such as problem solving skills, patience, leadership, time and project management, and team working. However, I still had to ensure that I was not allowed to fall behind in my schoolwork. As a result, I did achieve ok grades for my IGCSE examinations - Grade C and above.
It is not very hard to imagine myself attending in Penn State afte-r finishing high school. Thanks to modern technology, I can find out clear information about this excellent university, which is 8939 miles away from where I do the research. In facet, I have a great feeling that Penn State is where I am meant to be, where my gained experiences are my weapons to be a successful student, where I am a productive student who knows how balance time and energy for both study and social activities, just like what I've done in my high school time.
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Please help me on this essay. I'm an international student and this is very important for me. Thanks in advance.
Hi, I am new to this but I think your essay may sound better if:
1) At least 5 paragraphs: 1 Intro, 3 body, and 1 conclusion.
2) Reminiscing about it makes me somehow miss being a high school student. (reminisce sounds better than recall)
3) Outside the classroom , you mean extracurricular activities ?
4) everything happened that year has inevitably taught me ( I would use inevitably)
Your essay is good, but lacks examples. Keep it up.
When you read it, it may sounds very good to you, but I think this need a lot of revision. First of all, they ask you to write about something that has NOT reflected in your application, while I'm sure that you have already put all these extracurricular activities in your application. After reading your paragraph, the only impression it gives me is that you attend a lot of activities, clubs and you gained experiences from it, and you believe you will be success. However, everyone can talk like you. The quintessence of Admission essay is that you need to talk about details, not the general. I would rather focus on 1 or 2 things to say,rather than list everything that you are good at.
Good luck, I'm Vietnamese too :)
@viviana15077: Thank you for all of your correction. It's really helpful.
@basketball: Heeeyy, thanks a lot for your answer. I've read many personal statements and I really want to write something more interesting and emotional. However I cannot think of anything else. I guess getting involved in extracurricular activities is the only thing that has reflected on my ability. Do you have any idea on how to improve it? Thanks much. - Nhu
Hi Nhu,
I think others have given you important hints as to how you should improve this piece of writing. I also feel that you need to tell them more about you as a person. Take a look at the following statement;
Being the Head of Student Representative Council has given me a chance to express myself, to "break out of my shell".
This sounds a strong statement. Why do you say that it helps you break out of your shell? Explain it in detail, how it helped you develop your personality. This point has potential for you to comeout with more interesting and emotional writing to impress your panel.
Hi Nhu, I think dumi gives you a great hint. You can also focus on how you balance your school work and the council; how hard it was to be responsible with two tasks at the same time.
In addition to that,
where I am a productive student who knows how balance time and energy for both study and social activities, just like what I've done in my high school time .
I think this sentence is unnecessary. I don't think you should say yourself a "productive students who knows how balance time and energy". The admission will decide that base on your essay and
I do think it might harm your essay.
Good luck,
@dumi : Sorry for this late reply. Thank you Dumi for such a helpful hint to improve my essays. I will erase some of unnecessary parts and add more details about what happened and what i've learnt. Thanks so much, again.
@basketball : Thank you again for your help. I'm on process changing my own essay. Hope the final output would be kind of impressive hahaha. I really want to attend in this school. Thanks, Phuong Vu <3
@geniusnth : Thank you for your kind words :)
We are awaiting your revised version to give our comments :D
Hi @dumi and everyone else,
I've been super busy lately so I didnt have time to go to essayforum.
Here's my edited essay:
Over many years of living and studying in Viet Nam, I've gained many experiences through my culture, the extra curriculums that I was involved in, and also the surrounding educational environment. These experiences have matured me and made me who I am today as an active student.
First of all, my country, Vietnam, has always valued education. I realize that my family is not an exception. As an example, my parents truly care about my education since they have put a lot of effort into giving me an opportunity to study in an international high school in Viet Nam. International School Ho Chi Minh City was where I had memorable time with amazing friends and teachers. I was taught basic knowledge to prepare for the future. It was where I had chances to get involved in many clubs, associations, and activities.
One of the associations I was involved in was Student Representative Council (SRC). Being the Head of SRC had given me a chance to express myself, to "break out of my shell". I had organized many activities for the school, from social charities to school events. I had to overcome problems, eliminate misunderstanding within the council and staff body along with this my mission was to bring other students memorable times spent in school. On top of that, being the Head of SRC had inevitably taught me countless valuable experiences, such as problem solving skills, patience, leadership, team working, time management and communication.
Most importantly, high school was where I was taught many interesting subjects, however my passion was for Business Studies. I studied this subject from GCSE through to A level over 4 years. I found something very artistic, subtle and attractive about this subject. My analyses and evaluation skill was developed and my efforts were not in vain, I was one of three students who had scored highest percentages within AS Level Business Studies Examination so I had a chance to move on to the higher level - A2. To continue studying A2 was bliss. It enabled me to focus on the Marketing module and continue studying hard.
Among of all the Business Studies' area, my main interest is marketing and my dream is to work in the marketing sector of a big multinational company in the near future. As I have researched, the Smeal College of Business at Pennsylvania State University is one of the best undergraduate business schools in the States, which offers smaller classes and an excellent education. In point of fact, I have a great feeling that Pennsylvania State University is where I am meant to be, where my gained experiences are my weapons to be a successful student. I hope I would study Marketing at a higher level at Pennsylvania State University to accomplish my goal as well as take one step closer to my dream.
