Written by: Manjot Saluja
It was one of those days when the perspiration beaded on your forehead and ran in rivulets down your face even while you were standing still.The sun beat down like a furnace with no breeze to lighten its fiery breath. While I was dreaming of resting under the shade of an air conditioner sipping cola's, someone poked me, "Who is going to serve these starving devotees? ". His gravelly voice startled me; I rushed to pick up the communal bowl of rice and started serving the people sitting on the mat. It was Gurunanak Jayanti: a Sikh festival on which food was served to everyone who came to the Gurudwara (A place in which prayers were made). Like last year, I volunteered for the service, but this time I was hardly being able to keep up with the increasing load of loads. After an hour of serving bread, our taskmaster approached me, "You can go now, God take care of you." I breathed a sigh of relief and rushed to my house like a homing pigeon.
I jumped to my couch as if I had completed a week's worth of homework. My mother patted my back and told me something about Karma; I think it was something about Karma. I was too enervated to respond, but I had enough energy to sip down two bottles of sprite. As I recovered from exhaustion, thoughts about my good deeds started to pop up. "It is a beautiful thing to brighten someone else's day", I thought. For some reason it felt good, I was satisfied. Since my childhood, my family has always stressed the importance of community service. My dad once told me, "Achieve your goal, but also help others achieve theirs". I have learned a lot from the time spent in community service and in some way or the other it has shaped me, made me who I am.
I still remember when I first entered my school, I was the only Sikh. As I navigated the school corridors, people were staring at me like an alien just landed right in front of them. They knew nothing about my religion but it was nice attracting a lot of attention. After a few days, some of the "jocks" in the school started mocking me. "Is that a new hat?" a muscular boy asked me. My face was as warm as fire, blood rushed to it like a train, but I controlled myself, He was much stronger than me anyway. I never understood the bizarre ritual of picking up on the new kid at school. I had a difficult time making friends, I could handle loneliness but I couldn't stand all the mockery. Instead of acting like an angry hornet, I realized that I had to educate people about my religion. I made a few friends (being awesome at basketball, it was easy) and taught them about my religion. I chased them around with texts containing the principles of my religion. I even took them to Gurunanak Jayanti once, they all seemed to have fun, I taught them Bhangra (a dance style of the Sikhs) and they quickly mastered it. They realized how Sikhism promoted the better way of living and how it helped lost people find a clear path. This experience taught me to be a better person. Now wherever my life takes me, I am easily able to fit in.
I have done a rigorous research on many universities, including the "Ivies", but I am yet to find an institution with stronger values than Rice University. Even the most diverse cultures are able to find a place in the University of Rice. It offers a plethora of opportunities for people of any origin. After spending an hour on the Rice University's website, I was impressed by the initiative taken by the staff of Rice to promote diversity. One of the programs which quickly intrigued me was "Empowering Leadership Alliance". The diversity offered by Rice is unmatched and it will be a great experience to attend Rice.
If given a chance to attend Rice, I will try to leave an impression of love and harmony. I hope to strengthen the community of Rice and aid my fellow students, so that everyone has a wonderful college experience.
I look forward to being selected at Rice University.
WOW!! i liked it! i also agree with your parents and you about how community services helps give a better understanding of life, giving you compassion and love to what you do. I like your fathers phase of "Achieve your goal, but also help others achieve theirs" that really thoughtful/ (: nice job.
Ok, it was well written. I would say the beginning was good.
The sun beat down like a furnace with no breeze to lighten its fiery breath
it is a dramatically good sentence, however, you do not really need these kinds of sentences in an essay, unless it provides something essential.
This sounds a bit arbitrary.
The second paragraph was good, it shows the intentions of you about community services. Yet, I think it is odd to add the third paragraph into the flow.
One is about services, and one is more like you dealing with diversity.
Since the prompt is about diversity right ? I would suggest you clear the 2nd paragraph and use the 3rd one only.
the last one is not necessary, this is not a letter.
Overall, I think you did a magnificent job . What is the words limit ? I think you should manage to clear some sentences up to fit to the requirements.
phhai
Thanks For the reply,, It's in the word limit. Can you please mark the sentences which sound odd !!
Is increasing load of loads correct ? I made it up
Thankss..
I made a few friends (being awesome at basketball, it was easy) and taught them about my religion not sure of what you really want to say ?
One of the programs which quickly intrigued me was "Empowering Leadership Alliance should say how you would make use of it ?
My mother patted my back and told me something about Karma; I think it was something about Karma. I was too enervated to respond, but I had enough energy to sip down two bottles of sprite some adjustments should be make. This is a bit lengthy and out of the point. Try combine it into 1 sentence ?
well when i said the last one, i meant the last sentence I look forward to being selected at Rice University.
ok, those are my opinions. You should only do what suits you :)
