This is an essay regarding the first prompt about an experience that shaped your life. It's a little vague right now so if anyone has any ideas about how I could show/not tell in this essay, I would really appreciate it! It's also due today lol so quick feedback would be awesome.
An Unlikely Beginning
At first glance, the freshly painted "For Sale" sign seems out of place on the grimy window of the decrepit donut shop. Tucked between a convenience store and a Laundromat, the small donut store looks even tinier than I remember. The shabby state of the building does nothing to deter my mother who bustles around the store, chattering on the phone to prospective buyers. While most would question the market appeal of our family business, it is still the pride of my parents who emigrated from South Korea with nothing more than a suitcase of clothes and determination in their eyes.
As a young child, I called the back of this dusty bakery my home. I never thought it was strange that my sister and I spent the occasional nights sleeping near the kitchen as the soft thrum of the ovens lulled us to sleep. While my mother and father kneaded dough and glazed doughnuts, my older sister and I tossed and turned on a worn mattress, dreaming of school the next day or donuts for breakfast. After school, my sister and I would scurry off to the storage room to play, climbing on large bags of flour and claiming them as our castles. Our favorite adventures came from a large field out front- an area that our parents forbid us from playing without their permission. While cautious, our parents encouraged us to use our imagination and make the best out of living in a forgotten neighborhood with flickering lights.
The donut shop never stopped being my magical haven, even after someone broke in one night and stole our meager savings. While my parents dealt with the financial blow of the robbery, I was determined to defend my home like a true super hero. The following day, I bravely crossed the street in order to ask the owner of the gas station if I could borrow his broom to "clean up the bad guy's mess." To my surprise, he not only lent me his broom but also came over to the store to help clean up the broken glass. Later that week, when I proudly informed a customer that I was going to learn karate to keep off future burglars, she smiled and handed me a bouquet of lollipops. Every small act of kindness I witnessed from the community reinforced my sense of right and wrong throughout my childhood. I used my new found moral prowess to play the role of a pint size Wonder Woman, stomping up to classroom bullies and calling out cheaters.
While I certainly had an aggressive view of upholding justice as a child, I kept the robbery as a reminder throughout middle school and high school that being a hero was as easy as being a good person. I channeled the brawn of Super Man as I piggy backed little tykes at my church youth group. I considered myself the modern, female version of Bruce Wayne as I fixed the slow internet connection at my local library. I decided Cat Woman had nothing on me as I rescued stray animals off the street. My inspiration grew from my childhood dream of being a super hero and protecting people like my family, a dream that began in a humble donut store.
Selling the business and moving to a real house was a new chapter for my family. The difficult and uncertain beginning of my family's life in America started here. But as I look around me, I notice more than just the grimy windows and the leaky pipes. I see a wonderful childhood that hadn't been stymied at all by lack of money or possessions. I see a child who learned and grew from hardships. As I peer past my mother, towards the back of the kitchen, I see my younger self using the power of imagination to make a shabby bakery her true home.
I hate bumping my own thread but I really need feedback!
I love how you incorporated those superheroes and compared them to you. It makes the essay amusing. This is a good essay and really shows who YOU have become. Overall, I think it's a good essay :)
Read mine?
This is a really nice essay, I especially like how you tie things together really seamlessly in the ending paragraph. My only advice would be to make it a little more flavorful by replacing some of your prepositional phrases with more concise language, like in the first sentence of the fourth paragraph.
Thanks for your feedback! I edited my essay, changing the ending a little bit more. Could someone please tell me if it's okay/if it makes sense how I switch from present tense to past tense back to present tense? I want to convey how I'm having a realization at the time.
I like it, it really shows your values and beliefs, it shows your personality.
I loved this quote "being a hero was as easy as being a good person." It catches you.
Good job and good luck!
I really love this essay. It says so much about you while mixing in events from your past.
My only criticism would be this sentence:
"My inspiration grew from my childhood dream of being a superhero and protecting people like my family, a dream that began in a humble doughnut store."
I understand that you're emphasizing the origin of your morals, but I think you could make it a bit more concise.
Good Luck! :D
I love it! After reading it I feel like I know you since it's very personal. It flows and you use very good vocabulary and sentence structure. Great job!
Could you please take a look at mine?? It's called 'No longer a Wallflower' (EDITED VERSION)---->
I would really appreciate it!
This is wonderful! I really got a sense of how your childhood has shaped you into who you are. Well done!
Please read my essay as well?
