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"Dop-dop-dop-dop, Malaysia, fear of failure" - my common app essay


hahoonh 4 / 12  
Dec 5, 2010   #1
Hello guys,

I am new to this forum :D! I have written this essay a month ago, and i wanted to see if this is up to the standard of top university applicants (I am intending to apply to low ivies and few top state universities). Please have a read through, and would love to have any sort of feedbacks, regardless of how harsh they are!

Dop-dop-dop-dop

Upon hearing this familiar sound, I rushed and stuck my forehead against the window to watch the rain lashing down. As an ardent audience, I listened attentively to the small, yet grandeur symphony of raindrops performed behind the thin sheet of glass. Having been fond of rain from childhood, I was a passionate attendant of its concert at two every evening. However, as the summer neared out, the frequency of concerts began to dwindle. My longing for the rain soon morphed into desperation, as I was about to lose a good friend to share my feelings with.

I moved into Malaysia with no real understanding of the gravity of situation. It only hammered me in my first full-English class: Heavy rain poured accompanied with thunders outside the building, and inside the building was I with a stack of indecipherable papers received. Other students seemed to be actively involved in the lesson, while I was wandering solo in the jungle of English. When the teacher suddenly asked me to read the passage aloud, I gibbered so much that one student eventually broke out in laughter. I never intended to make myself an object of ridicule, and the fact that I have just done so instantly crunched my heart. After then, I could not overcome the fear of failure to break through the invisible shell. What if I pronounce the word wrongly? What if the students start laughing again?

What if the teacher decides to give up on me?

My feebleness urged me to get hold of the comfort that rain provided, but its departure was imminent. I reckon god did not favor me, for he had so coldly ignored my two-week worth of wishes to have my rain back. Does he have any idea of the depth of sympathy that we shared during the summer? I guessed not, until he finally decided to release the rain, probably to just shut me up. I was overwhelmed with joy that I ran off the house barefooted and greeted it with arms wide-open. Its coldness penetrated and washed my fatigue away. At last, I thought.

And then a bell rang in my head.

After all these times, the rain has been falling with a purpose. Every inch of a sprout, every sketch of a farmer's smile and every scent of a flower were the masterpieces that rain had so altruistically created along its path. The raindrops I had watched every evening were the same raindrops that had enriched so many lives, during which I had failed to enrich anybody's, or even my own. From the beginning of my struggles, rain and I were fundamentally different. I was disappointed to see our difference, and yet I have never been so fortunate by my realizing it; I could, finally, drop the long-established title of a coward.

Since then, fear of failure has become the least considered factor when I commit myself to an activity. Even when there is a downfall looming ahead, I devote myself to each and every project with the belief that I will shoot back up with the momentum gained from declining. Although I do not have a clear direction as to where I should progress, with optimism I dedicate myself and enjoy the values I gain from each activity. So long as I believe that these raindrops are falling elsewhere in this world to continue their blessings, my strides will never cease and I will happily take on the hardships.

word count: 578. Thanks in advance!
kiwii 2 / 3  
Dec 5, 2010   #2
i think it should be "what if i pronounce the word wrong "
i personally didn't quite like the "and then a bell rang in my head" it seems so...subtle. the imagery seems more like an alarm than realization-i assume that what you were trying to say there. i think maybe change that to a different way of conveying the idea?

other than that i really like the connection to rain and the way your descriptions!
btw, was there a prompt?
OP hahoonh 4 / 12  
Dec 5, 2010   #3
haha, there was no prompt. It's a free topic, or maybe it's the "experience that changed my life"... Do you reckon if the theme is too...sad? or if the essay is making me seem weak?

Thank you so much for the feedback. I will try to replace the phrase with better words, but i can't think of any apparantly haha.
consyt 2 / 8  
Dec 5, 2010   #4
I like the rain connection, its very original. I dont think it makes you seem week because at the end you say "Even when there is a downfall looming ahead, I devote myself to each and every project with the belief that I will shoot back up with the momentum gained from declining. Although I do not have a clear direction as to where I should progress, with optimism I dedicate myself and enjoy the values I gain from each activity. So long as I believe that these raindrops are falling elsewhere in this world to continue their blessings, my strides will never cease and I will happily take on the hardships."
OP hahoonh 4 / 12  
Dec 5, 2010   #5
thanks for the feedback, consyt! any more feedbacks from anyone else? thanks in advance :D
nishabala 4 / 91  
Dec 8, 2010   #6
Hi. I'm a sucker for praise:).

I like this, it's a striking essay, and I think you've got a real talent for connecting the inane to... really pretty events. It's like poetry.

I think 'God' should be capitalized.
And I also think this is a bit vague. And that's OK considering a lot of your colleges will have supplements, but I think you should them display some real action in your supplements and not just display the promise of them.

I ALSO think that you can make this WAY stronger by adding a new paragraph just before the last one, displaying a tangible effect of your metamorphosis. As in, go something like 'so, when I went back to school...' something to the effect that they laughed, it hurt you, but you wanted to learn correct English in spite of these odds and so you've come so far today. Or the truth:)

All in all, good essay:)
OP hahoonh 4 / 12  
Dec 10, 2010   #7
seriously, nisha, you are the star! I will definitely amend my essay and fill up the missing parts that you suggested!

i wanted to help your essay, but i am guessing that you have already applied for williams and UCs? I reckon my suggestions would not make it THAT much better. Both of your essays are outstanding, just wanted to tell you this :D
nishabala 4 / 91  
Dec 10, 2010   #8
Help me with both? The Williams hasn't gone in yet and I'm probably using the UC essay or a more refined version thereof for a bunch of other colleges, including Harvard and Princeton, so ANY help with either would be valued:)


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