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"Doughnuts for Dad" - Common Application


calebgodsey 4 / 10  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Propmt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My father has had a significant influence on me. This is not the heart warming influence which inspires boys to become men. Nor is it the masculine influence of responsibility and commitment. Not even the essential wisdom of changing a flat tire. His influence is not felt in what he said or did, but in what was not said and what was not done. His influence on me was through his absence. Through his absence I became a man. Through his absence I learned responsibility and commitment. It is my father's absence that has helped thread together the fibers of my being-my identity.

It is thought that cold is only the absence of heat and darkness the absence of light. Laws of physics claim that beings or objects can only be studied through the possession or transmission of energy. At absolute zero, all matter becomes incapable of possession or transmission of energy. Therefore cold cannot exist unto itself, but is a word which is used to describe how one feel's in the absence of heat. Light can be broken by Newton's prism and studied by color and wave length. Darkness can only be understood through the variances in the presence of light. Thus darkness cannot exist unto itself either, but is a word which is used to describe the absence of light. Likewise my identity can also only be understood through the variances in the presence of my father. My identity cannot exist unto itself, but is a word which is used to describe the absence of my father.

Awakening as a child was often a daunting task. My mother was compelled to assist in the process through a morning wake up call. The flick of a switch light in my room would instantly illuminate the embracing darkness of the previous night. Overcoming the temporary onslaught of blindness was an obstacle in itself. Mom would slowly enunciate my name and begin to tickle me fiercely. I would pretend to still be asleep-as if I were immune to her voice or the threat of wetting myself. I could never hold out for long. Once up and awake I began the morning rituals of preparing for the day. Soon I found myself in my third grade class room. There was something odd about this school day. Each of the fifteen desks were replaced with two long tables. Seated at these tables were my classmates joined by what appeared to be their fathers. What day was it? It was Doughnuts for Dads day. A warm rush of blood to my face engulfed me. I quickly composed myself and occupied one of the two empty seats. I took a brief moment to observe each of the fathers. Some wore suits, others uniforms, but all wore a sticker. This sticker stated: 'Father of _____.' Embarrassment and confusion soon washed over me. Didn't my dad know what today was? I glanced over at the empty seat next to me. From that moment on, a subconscious switch of roles took place in my identity-roles of a father and roles of a son. If there was to be an empty seat at all Doughnuts for Dads days from this day forward, I would cope. I would fill both empty seats.

My father's truancy that day was the result of an alcoholic marriage which ended in a sobering divorce. I discovered feelings of responsibility and an almost abnormal maturity. This maturity was forced upon me due to my mother's struggle to feed and support my younger brother. My mother worked three jobs: Best Buy restocking, gift card sorting at local Dollar General Stores, and interior painting. Need less to say, she would often come home exhausted and seemingly broken. Too tired to play and too tired to be both mom and dad. She never let my younger brother and I see this brokenness but I understood it and knew it well. Each tired late evening greeting and half smile made me aware. I couldn't let mom worry about my brother Micah and me, so I watched over him as a parent would. I had a commitment to loved ones, a commitment to always be there-I gave loyalty out of my own need for loyalty. While most neighborhood kids were out playing, I was making Micah after-school lunch. I made sure he got his homework done, I made sure he ate lunch and even sometimes dinner, and I made sure he knew that we were a family. He needed to know that it was going to be all right and that mom loved us so much that she had to "work extra, extra hard." I became the father figure I didn't have.

Taking on the role of my father became an identity. Playing this role provided a sense of responsibility, maturity, and commitment. These three traits are a part of my identity. Most boys learn these traits by mimicking the men who display them. This boy learned by compensating for the man who didn't.

Caleb Godsey- I would really like grammatical/sentence flow corrections. Thanks!
bluedolphinz 4 / 24  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
This is a great essay, very in touch with your emotions. And honestly, I'm so drawn by the essay I can't see any glaring grammar problems that draw away from it. It's beautiful.

Maybe less of the darkness/light part?
otherwise, amazing job!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 6, 2010   #3
My father has had a significant influence on me.

This is the only sentence I have read, and I wanted to stop and tell you it was boring. This is a chance to learn a lesson about hypnotizing readers. Do not begin with a wimpy sentence. The first sentence is like the Viking that rushes into battle.

Nor is it the masculine influence of responsibility and commitment. Not even the essential wisdom of changing a flat tire. I don't like this part, because it has a sort of offensive implication.

But the rest of the first paragraph, aside from what I am complaining about, is excellent.

My father's truancy that day was the result of an alcoholic marriage which ended in a sobering divorce.--- This is a great sentence.

My challenge for you is to go back and take out at least 10% of the words. Delete sentences, condense them, explain more efficiently, and do whatever is necessary to cut out 10%. That is refining writing.

Also, I think you should use shorter paragraphs. The material is deep, so readers need time to absorb it.

:-)


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