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'A dozen gleaming faces' - Common app short answer

monjinho 2 / 1  
Jan 16, 2012   #1
I'm new to this forum but I was wondering if anyone would like to read my essay and tell me how it can be better.

This is the Common app short answer essay in which I am told to elaborate on one of my most meaningful extracurricular activity.
Here it is:

I can still remember the time when I walked into that small musty room with my parents. A dozen gleaming faces were staring at me with curiosity as I shyly introduced myself and hid behind my mom. Strangely, I was soon screaming out silly phrases and bursting out in giggles as I played their games and sang their songs. When the visit was over, however, I could not understand how these kids could be so happy when they know that their parents have abandoned them. 9 years have passed since then and now I feel like I have found the answer. It wasn't naivety or carelessness that kept the smile on their face, but it was the positive mindset they had learned from each other that gave them the courage to face their tragedy. Perhaps that is why I, even as a high school student, find myself visiting orphanages in my free time. Laughing along with the kids not only remind me of the time I had as a child, but it also teaches me the lesson of courage that continues to inspire the person I am today.

Some parts sound unnatural to me because i tried to fit in a lot of stuff in 1000 characters- this essay is exactly 1000 characters, including spaces.

I would greatly appreciate any help.
Thank you in advance
Athena - / 83 3  
Jan 18, 2012   #2

I think that your essay is wonderful!

The only thing that I felt that you should add is some of the things that you do when you go to visit the children or a line on how pleased they were when you visited them.

Otherwise, it's a great essay that you have.

All the best!

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