Hey essayforum guys and gals, can you help me out with this essay for the common app? The topic is "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." I realize it needs work; it's a first draft. I'd appreciate any general feedback a lot, but another thing I need to figure out how to do is shorten it, as it's a bit too long. Please let me know what you think; if this isn't good I'm willing to go back to the drawing board for a different essay.
Thanks again and in advance for feedback!
~Jonathan Flash
The devastating earthquake that hit Sichuan, China this year caught the world off guard. From across the globe, one could only try to imagine the damage it inflicted on friendships and families. But I don't need to imagine. I can remember what it was like worrying about your family, and knowing that they were worried about you. I can remember the strain of being separated from your best friends, and I can remember how it all changed every aspect about my exchange in China.
May 12, 2008- It was a sunny day in Guilin, about 600 miles southeast of Sichuan. The other seven American exchange students and I were floating along the lucid Li river in a tour-boat, enjoying our vacation from Chinese high school life by marveling carelessly at the beautiful mountain ranges on the banks of the river and soaking in the sun. Nothing could have prepared us for the ensuing events that would change our lives; being on a boat, we hadn't felt the magnitude 8 earthquake or its reverberations, which could be felt from as far as 1,100 miles away.
The first phone call we got was from my parents, who managed to figure out the phone number of the hotel the BHS China exchange group were staying in (as well as call an Israeli Search & Rescue team to find me) before anyone else. After we made it clear we were safe and had no idea anything as destructive as the earthquake ever took place, my parents elaborated, leaving the group in shock. One of my classmates pulled up a news article online about the earthquake as the rest of the group called their host families to make sure everything was alright. I can still remember the sound of Chen Lao Shi, my Chinese teacher, calling me crying. She couldn't find her parents, nor could she get a hold of her two dearest friends. Not knowing who to call, she turned to me for comfort. It touched my deeply that she trusted me enough as a companion to seek reassurance and relief from me in her time of despair.
The exchange program would soon be coming to an end, and upon our return to Gao Xin #1 High school in Xi'an, nothing seemed quite the same. Everyone was changed by their experiences; everyone had a story to tell, each one more frightening than the last. Aftershocks became a frequent occurrence; hundreds upon hundreds of people camped outside in local parks as ambulances and fire trucks were kept idle on the streets, ready to be called to duty. It was during these last few moments that my family and I found time to sit on a rug and chat. We talked about ourselves, the future, and how much we would miss each other. This was the only time that my Chinese family and I ever talked so freely and comfortably.
Owing to the experience that my Chinese friends and family went through, and through the way I experienced the earthquake through them, I came to a deeper understanding of what it means to be socially empathetic, and the underlying importance of being a trustworthy and approachable person. After the earthquake, it seemed like friends became closer, but at the same time each group of friends intertwined until it was as if the entire city of Xi'an were a large circle of friends, helping each other for no more reason than a friend needs to do you a favor. I realized that those who weren't as open to others in this time found themselves loneliest most often, but more prominently, that if people hadn't been as socially active before the earthquake, they wouldn't have as much help, kindness, or respect shown to them in the community formed by those affected by the earthquake. I took my conversations with my friends, my Chinese family, and Chen Lao Shi during the earthquake to heart, understanding that I wouldn't have been able to connect to these people as deeply if I weren't as trusting and friendly to them as they had been to me.
I may one day forget about this earthquake, and I may forget the conversations I've had with my friends and family in china, but I am certain to the utmost degree that I will never forget the importance of empathy and the benefits of open relationships with others. I will continue to be a friend to anyone I meet, and I will continue to help those I can without the slightest hesitation, for no more reason than a friend would need to do you a favor.
wow, thanks a lot kevin; that really helps tackle the stress. Yeah, this answers the question (i hope); the prompt was "Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you"
Can you check out my second draft? I just looked at it and noticed I had a bunch of contractions, so I know that's one thing I need to fix, but other than that I think the second draft might have taken care of the issues you had with it as well as shaved off some things to lower the word count.
thanks again. Your feedback really means a lot to me.
Yes, I always say people should avoid contractions in formal writing...
Post your second draft, and I'll look at it if I can. It is a busy week! if you have time, please click on "unanswered" and help some other people!! :))))
