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'Drawing an ocean' - Bates College essay


pjw7109 7 / 23  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
CORRECT MY GRAMMAR & CONTENT!

Supplementary Essay

In addition to the Common Application essay, please select one phrase from the Bates mission statement below and comment on how it inspires you and draws you to Bates (1-2 paragraphs).

Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts. Bates educates the whole person through creative and rigorous scholarship in a collaborative residential community. With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action. Preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world, Bates is a college for coming times.

When my 5th grade art teacher asked our class to draw an ocean, for some reason, I decided to paint the whole paper red. When she scolded me for messing up my picture, I told her I drew the inside of an ocean when the sun was shining on it. Taking my precious picture away from me, she told me to stop being so "weird."

I think Bates can be a place where I can safely pursue my 'weirdness.' I can pursue effective ways of thinking outside of a box through a creative learning process. Also, my potential major, Sociology, requires many combined fields of knowledge such as psychology, law and economics. Through Bates' 'rigorous scholarship,' I will be able to expose myself to different branches of sociology while focusing on my main field, Social Inequality. Having been tutoring underprivileged children for four years, I realized that there are numerous hidden factors behind the veil of poverty that causes social inequality. Through a "collaborative residential community," I plan to engage myself with passionate Bates students to begin a slow process to provide a better world for my underprivileged students. .
gparfenov 4 / 12  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
I think that the grammar is fine overall, but I wouldn't put "weirdness," "rigorous scholarship," and "collaborative residential community" in quotes--it's kind of awkward. Also instead of putting "Having been tutoring underprivileged children for four years, I realized that there are numerous hidden factors behind the veil of poverty that causes social inequality " write "Having tutored underprivileged children for four years, I realize that there are numerous hidden factors behind the veil of poverty that cause social inequality." Also, some parts are also awkward, such as the weirdness thing and the last sentence.
pfrench 1 / 3  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
When my 5th grade art teacher asked ourmy class to draw an ocean, for some reason, I decided to paint the whole paper red instead. When she scolded me for messing up my picture, I told her thatI drewhad drawn the inside of anthe ocean whenwith the sun was shining on it. Taking my precious picture away from me, she told me to stop being so "weird."

I think Bates can beis a place where I can safely pursue my 'weirdness.' I can pursue effective ways of thinking outside of athe box through a creative learning process. Also, my potential major, Sociology, requires many combinedthe combination of many fields of knowledge such as psychology, law and economics. Through Bates' 'rigorous scholarship,' I will be able to expose myselfexposedto different branches of sociology while focusing on my main field, Social Inequality. Having been tutoringtutored underprivileged children for four years, I realized that there are numerousmany hidden factors behind the veil of poverty that causes social inequality. Through a "collaborative residential community," I plan to engage myself with passionate Bates students to begin a slow process to provide athe process of providing a better world for my underprivileged students.

maybe add something like "wholeheartedly" to "safely persue"
don't use persue again in the next sentence, too much repetition.
the idiom is "thinking outside THE box"
i agree, no quotes on "rigorous scholarship" maybe just capitalize.
"be exposed" is better. "expose myself" sounds like you're a flasher!
quotes off "collaborative res..." also.

overall, really good job! just a few grammar errors. the content is really good.
kayleighlevitt 5 / 8  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
When my 5th grade art teacher asked our class to draw an ocean, for some reason, I decided to paint the whole paper red. She scolded me for messing up my picture. I told her, "I drew the inside of an ocean when the sun was shining on it." She replied, "Stop being so weird."This seems unrealistic, because a teacher probably wouldn't use the word weird. Or criticize art that way. I suggest having her reply with something more a long the lines of, "Juwon, you interpreted the assignment wrong." She took my picture away from me.

I want to indulge my desire for divergent thinking. I want a school that champions thinking outside of the box, rather than criticizing it as "wrong." The creative learning environment at Bates is exactly what I need to reach my potential. I am considering a major in Sociology. This requires understanding fields of knowledge such as psychology, law, and economics. The rigorous scholarship at Bates will expose me to these aspects of Sociology while allowing me to study what I am most passionate about, social inequality. You should not capitalize that, and if you call it your passion, it is less confusing because you already called sociology your potential major. Message me back if this comment does not make sense. For the last four years, I tutored underprivileged students. Over time, I realized that poverty is composed of factors most are unaware of, and what we are aware of is often misunderstood due to judgement. The social inequality that is our reality today, yet it does not have to stay that way. At Bates, I know I will be surrounded by students as passionate about making a difference in the world as I am. The support of a collaborative residential community I am not sure why you had this in quotes, but it does not seem like it need s to be. That phrase is kind of awkward as well, I reworded it as best as I could while keeping it in there. is exactly what I need to continue my dreams of creating a better world that works for everyone.

Here is the edited version with my suggestions to help with awkward wording and grammar mistakes. I reworded sentences in order to make it more effective, even though you said you just needed help with grammar. I hope that it helps and I respect your compassion.


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