We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)
A line dragged on the surface of a fresh sheet of bleached paper appears just that-a scrawny etching of graphite on paper. If this is true, then why does it look so elegant, as if it is its own person? It begins tentatively but builds in resolve and finally fades with grace. Yet, even with its inherent beauty, it seems lonely. So I add other lines and brilliant acrylic mixes, until an entirely separate entity-a mango, perhaps, or a blue eye-peeks up at a surprised artist. An hour is a second, when lost in shape and color.
My friend thought I should take a more direct approach. She thought this was too abstract.
Please leave opinions! and grammar help is appreciated.
100 word essay is about directness!
100-word isn't even an essay - its more of a listing of your hobbies type of question... Maybe rewrite from scratch - its only 100words - and talk direct.
Sorry, i have NO IDEA what you meant in this essay. Maybe because I lack artistic knowledge...still have to work on that haha
It's very well written, but I can't really give my humble opinion until I understand what it's about :D
mmmm so what is the thing you talk about?
Drawing and painting
OK revised version below. Is this any better?
An unripe mango peeked up at me. Did I really paint that? Dunking my round paintbrush in a cup filled with murky water, I reflected upon the red orange acrylic and the highlights that imparted a realistic quality. My eyes flicked back and forth from the actual fruit to its 2D counterpart as I made slight changes here and there upon the sheet of paper. Of course, my rendition was nowhere near the artistry of the genuine mango, but it was pretty darn close. I gain satisfaction by immersing myself in paint, for I am immortalizing that which is ephemeral.
I liked your first one better, I knew instantly you were talking about drawing when I picked up a few keywords like "line", "paper", and "graphite."
Maybe change the part shown below so you'll be talking about yourself:
peeks up at me to my surprise
AHHH now I'm so conflicted!!!
If you're confused I think the best thing to do would be to move on to your other application essays if you have more to do, then come back with fresh eyes and go with your gut.