Reasons for Waterloo. CS AIF
I hope the essay can be proof-read for grammar and structure as well as content. The full question is as follows:
Reasons for choosing your program and Waterloo
Please tell us about your educational goals, your interest in your chosen program(s), and your reasons for applying to the University of Waterloo. If you have applied to more than one program please discuss your interest in each program. (900 character limit)
I was drawn towards the University of Waterloo for 2 main reasons. First of all, the university's reputation as Canada's most innovative university lends itself well to my career goal of working in the field of Data Science, a new and ever-changing field requiring adaptability in its specialists. I believe the university's innovative culture will set me up with the right mindset for actualizing my goal. With the experience at the university with its aspiring student body, I hope to find ways data can improve different existing systems and services. Furthermore, Waterloo complements its academic excellence with its comprehensive co-op program. My lack of experience will hinder my odds of getting a job. In helping me gain valuable practical knowledge and familiarize myself with business practices, the program will fully prepare me with both hard and soft skills to success after graduation. (0 characters left)
Hi, this seems very wordy for such a short statement. With such a strict limit, you need to optimize every word to make sure you can communicate how the special programs are Waterloo are uniquely optimal to help you fulfil your goals. Overall your statement seems too general with wasted phrases like "a new and every-changing field requiring adapatibility in its specialists." That sentence does not really tell much about you or about your chosen university. You say Waterloo is innovative, but you need to show, not tell. What exactly makes it innovative? Why is its culture innovative? Do they not have tests? Is every professor a woman? Are their classrooms painted bright purple? You need to provide the details. As for the co-op program, that is more clear, but still including details on specific co-op programs that you wish you could have taken part in will help make your writing more specific. Here are some suggestions on ways you can condense your sentences so you can add more details:
I was drawn towards the University of Waterloo [draws me] for 2 main reasons. First of all, [its] reputation as Canada's most innovative university [meshes with my] career goal of
... culture will [furnish me] with the right mindset [to actualize] my goal.
My lack of experience ... of getting a job. [By] helping me gain ..., the program will [rectify my relative lack of practical experience by] fully [preparing] me with ... skills to [ensure] success after graduation. (0 characters left)
Thanks for your correction on some of my mistakes in the paragraph. I've done a renovation of said paragraph that I hope you can take a look.
The University of Waterloo draws me for 2 main reasons. First of all, its reputation as Canada's most innovative university meshes with my career goal of working as a Data Scientist enhancing business models. The university is home to ambitious and motivated future engineers and entrepreneurs capable of great changes in the world, who form the core of its innovative culture. By experiencing the university and its aspiring student body, I hope to grow both personally and professionally to actualize my goals. Furthermore, Waterloo complements its academic excellence with its comprehensive co-op program. By helping me gain valuable practical knowledge and familiarize myself with business practices, the program will rectify my relative lack of experience by fully preparing me with both hard and soft skills to ensure my success after graduation.