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The dreaded "tell us about yourself" question....


Kelsey1704 4 / 26  
Nov 9, 2009   #1
Hi guys! Hoping I can get your input on a few things. This is for an early decision application to a small, liberal arts college. I'm mostly interested in the last paragraph. The way I tie in the school feels contrived, and yet this was the smoothest of all the different ways I tried it. I think the same things are going around and around in my head, lol. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

Essay #1: Tell us about yourself and your interests; indicate your strengths and weaknesses; and describe your educational and career goals, the kind of person you wish to become and how ______ can help you reach these goals.

When I got my own room for the first time at age sixteen, the first thing I did was purchase myself a bookcase. The rooms shared with my sister had always been too small to hold much more than beds and dressers, and I desperately wanted a place to hold the books and personal items that for so long had been condemned to boxes stacked neatly in closets. The bookcase itself is not much. Bought at IKEA, I somehow managed to put it together myself - evidenced by the fact that the top shelf rests just a little higher on the right than on the left. But ordinary as it is, my bookcase is the catch-all for the things I absolutely cannot lose, and the keeper of all things important to me.

Lined up on the top shelf are my all-time favorite books. From Black Beauty to Liberty and Tyranny, these are the titles that have had the biggest impact on the person I am today - a major feat for the books of a self-proclaimed book addict. On the shelf just below is an engraved plaque that serves as a constant reminder to "shoot for the moon." The plaque leans against, and ultimately hides a number of confidence-boosting self-help books, the presence of which I am both embarrassed and comforted by. A number of language and travel guides are settled just below that on the third shelf, symbols of what I hope is a future with the U.S. State Department. The books range from easy French children's books to the Russian language edition of Dr. Zhivago, a book I will someday be able to read.

Over the years, my bookcase has acquired the random objects reflective of life's experiences. Draped over the top of the case is the West Ham scarf I trekked all over London looking for. I insisted on purchasing it despite the shop keeper's attempt to convince me that Manchester United was the "more winly" team. I guess I'm just one to root for the underdog. Pinned to a framed picture of my horse, Joey, is the first ribbon we ever won together. It's not the prettiest, or our best, but that cherished fourth-place ribbon represents the value of hard-work, commitment, friendship, and loyalty - all lessons Joey has taught me over the years.

I think my bookcase is a good representation of who I am. Just like my bookcase, my personality is full of seemingly random elements whose only unifying force is the fact that they all belong to me. It will be both the experiences I have had, and the challenges I have yet to face, that will further develop who I am and allow me to succeed at a place that values curiosity and ambition, integrity and social concern. ________is that place.
dramacratic 6 / 27  
Nov 9, 2009   #2
First of all, I love your essay. You write beautiful, and painted an extremely vivid picture for me as I read.

You're right with regards to your reservations about the last paragraph (the first sentence of it, by the way, can easily be eliminated because your second sentence is just restating it in a more profound way). The prompt is asking you how the school help you reach your goals, and you did not quite address that. In a way, that portion is a hidden prompt, asking you to bring up what you know about the school. You're applying Early Decision, so obviously that school is your number one choice, so this is truly your time to shine as an applicant. With that, I think it's important that you talk a little bit about the school--how you can take advantage of what it has to offer. Maybe that means you should elaborate on what your goals are in a slightly more extensive/obvious manner?

Again, I love your essay, and wish you all the best in the admissions process! =]
ScatterBrain 3 / 28  
Nov 9, 2009   #3
That was a great essay. Dramacratic has a point about the vividness of your writing. But The bulk of the essay focuses on your interests. You can expand on the last paragraph and maybe compress the first three paragraphs to evenly address all parts of the prompt. Maybe you can talk about how your diverse selection of literature and your personal items illustrate a particular career or educational goal. And good luck on your applications!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 10, 2009   #4
Right here you switch verb tense in a way that messes it up a little:
The bookcase itself is not much.
It should be "was" because the rest of this is past tense...

Hey, how about those goals you are supposed to write about? Can you work in some discussion of specific research interests, specific places you want to work, specific professors you want to meet at this school... etc.?


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