hi this is my common application essay draft...
plase advise me :)
Ignacio was a ten year old boy with an amazingly mellifluous voice. Unfortunately, he ended up as a drug addict, transgender when he grew up. This tragedy was rendered by a Bad education from a nominal priest in his Christian school. This movie which talks about a very controversial issue and denounces the guilt, gave me a sort of vicarious feeling about how I felt about my education and learning
Three years ago, I came to America with the "Dream" a lot of people hold in their heart every once in a while. I believed going to prestigious college and getting a great job and ultimately making lots of money were what I have to do to commensurate my happiness. I wanted to attend a college just to get a degree that is required for a certain lucrative job. I was becoming materialistic as I get older, I wanted to live at least solvent. That was my realistic but very trite goal in life and college degree was one of the prerequisites. So I wanted to know where I'm going. I had a lot of year ahead of me but I wanted to set a goal and spent a surfeit of time surfing the internet about majors and jobs. However, finding a career that fits to this criteria was very incessant and realized the jobs that are not like me could never be satisfy me. Then, I started contemplate again but in a different way, why I want to be so rich and unhappy by doing what is not for me. Being so credulous to know what it tastes like, I was busy skimming over the outside of the watermelon. However I realized I could not just cut the fruit open and force to eat it.
If I decided to go for what my parents guided in their parochial fence as an old me, I would regret and be very unfortunate. And the education I will get would become futile and eventually turn out to be a bad education.
Education takes a big part in shaping one's ability and character. Being highly educated is one of the amenities people should appreciate. However, I believe what is more significant is the attitude toward the learning and how the learning is being given to him or her. So my next stage would be the college where the exciting explorations on a broader horizon will spread and I will eventually find my path forward the climax of my life with the new eyes of the learning.
whats the prompt ur answerng?
Your introduction is very confusing to me. You seem to equate the tragedy of drug addiction with the difficulties in living faced by transgender people. Then you start talking about a movie without naming it. I'm not at all sure what you're writing about or why.
The rest of your essay, while less confusing, isn't much better written. Lots of weak verbs in wordy phrases, with no clear focus on good qualities that would make you an ideal university applicant. Decide what you want the essay to say about you, think of a narrative anecdote that describes it, and make sure that it relates in some way to whatever prompt you have been given, then write a new essay with that as your focus.
thanks all for the advices.
its true that the beginning part is very confusing.
and the replies were helpful for me to think about how the essay has to be... i will try to be more specific i guess.
