UCLA PROMPT 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have always been mesmerized by the art of dance. How a dancer can execute such precise movements and bring people to tears is just fascinating to me. My dream was always to become a ballerina, to wear the crystal white tutu, laced pink pointe shoes, and be at the center or stage. There was just one problem; I had an extreme case of being shy. I wasn't just nervous about presenting in front of a crowd, which was normal; I panicked when I entered a store by myself or asked a person for directions, anything that involved interacting with others basically made me quiver. Never did I think this nervousness would end until there was a trip I wanted so badly to experience.
I had already turned down two trips but this time I really wanted to go. I would finally be able to experience something other than Viva Las Vegas, yet I had my doubts of course. What if my bag is too big, what if something went wrong in airport security, what if no one talks to me and all of those thoughts came to mind. I spent nights thinking over and over again the negative and never the positive until I finally just stopped myself. I said nothing will go wrong; I will get there safely and have a great time. These positive thoughts finally worked and I decided to go and it was the best trip I had ever had. From then on, I stopped worrying about silly things and decided I would never turn down anything and I finally signed up for that ballet class. I am still working on becoming that beautiful ballerina and am almost there, but most importantly I am so proud of myself. From that one experience, I was able to change so much and I wouldn't be here today without it.
Maybe this is significant to you, however, you don't really show how much this experience weighs in your life..
Make it more dramatic.. demonstrate your inner-conflict.. show the monologue, how you've spoken to yourself..talk to yourself in your essay..
And of course, revise for some grammatical errors.. you don't want them to have the impression that you're careless or anything ;)
Use the word "introversion." It is a good word.
Use a colon, not semi-colon, because a colon means "more to come."
There was just one problem: I had an extreme case of introversion .
Use a comma:
I had already turned down two trips , but this time ...
From that single experience, I was able to change so much, and...
Nice job! Nice rhythm.
(Response to introversion suggestion). Well actually I didn't prefer to be alone I was just to shy to interact, but thank you for that.
