[Thank you for your help^_^]
Red shaded sentences are the one that i think i need some feedback...
I need to hand this tmr... T T
ONce again.. i appreciate your help!
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field?
28,000 feet above the sea, I was looking out the window thinking about how to invent a car window that cleans the view without clumsy wipers. Some people might see me as a good boy who is concerned about reducing accidents. No, I was only thinking about making money. My dream was to become a millionaire.
After the financial collapse of my family, my father decided to send me to Thailand where my aunt was living. I went to an international school and mainly studied business and economics to achieve my dream of financial success.
On the night of December 29, 2004, when I was reading a business magazine, I was knocked off my chair. It was a strong earthquake that changed my entire life path. On that night, the tsunami attacked Thailand and left them in pandemonium. I decided to go to Phi Phi Island as a volunteer construction worker. I was about to graduate from high school, so I just thought that the volunteering experience would make my college application look better. I didn't know that it would be my first step to become a civil engineer.
In Phi Phi Island, the entire villages looked like a huge trash. Most people lost their houses and crops in one night. The fact that such a tragedy could occur so abruptly to the island made me think of my dream again. I realized that I wanted to do something rather than just making money. At the moment, I saw the civil engineers were building up the shelters and giving hopes to the people . I joyfully joined the construction team and never in my life have I felt so fruitful and graceful as when I give up my time and help others. Even though I was completely a novice to civil engineering; I felt that civil engineering is what I would like to possess on in my future.
After the volunteer work, I looked into jobs that involved constructing buildings and bridges and I fell in love with civil engineering. Transitioning from the International Baccalaureate Business programs to engineering field was especially difficult for me because my high school classes were, in fact, a business-focused program. I neglected a very important aspect of engineering including science and mathematics courses. Despite of my desire to jump right into the engineering program and gain hands-on experience with other engineers, I decided to go to a community college to get myself ready for the mathematics and physics.
Anxiety clouded my mind with worries when I got an 'F' on the first calculus exam. I yearned to go back to business field until I experience the exciting part of engineering studies. On my last course of calculus final, I had to give a presentation related to calculus. I decided to present how the bridge suspension hangers support tons of cars and trucks. As the team leader, I had to visit some of engineering instructors' office hours for deeper discussions. After further research, I found a fascinating fact that constructing a bridge is not only based on using the complicated sciences but also considering uncertainty of the nature. The project was well presented. The presentation intrigued my increasing interest in engineering and made me dig into engineering more.
I am looking forward to cooperating with engineers from different disciplines. I long for higher education in the field of civil engineering.
I'm kind of new at this so I am sorry if this is not very helpful, but i noticed a couple of things that don't sound correct.
- "In Phi Phi Island, the entire villages looked like a huge trash." I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say but I'm guessing its "like a huge piece of trash" or a "huge trash dump" but what you have now does not sound correct
- "Despite of my desire to jump right into" should be "Despite of my desire to jump right into" or "In despite of my desire to jump right into"
I hope that helps some.
This last para should not begin with a sentence about getting an F. It should reflect back on that topic from the beginning -- being a millionaire. It is reasonable for someone who has experienced financial stress to want to be wealthy. I hope you will tie the end of this essay to the beginning... it is a good theme, so reaffirm it at the end!
:-)
