As a young member of the modern society, I have dreams and goals that motivate me. It is essential to learn everything that I can in order to achieve my goals one day and be able to serve the society and my country. Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse. I learned everything I could in health class, from nutrition, food, drugs and alcohol, to pregnancy and fitness. I want to be someone who would make people healthy and happy. For example, I brought my sister to my neighbors house and after thirty minutes, my sister's eyes began to swollen up, and I got nervous. There were cats in the neighbor's house so I thought maybe she was allergic to cats. I brought her home and put her on her bed and told her to relax. I put a wet towel on her eyes and she fell asleep. When she woke up, she felt much better. Rutgers would certainly help me pursue my dream, by providing me with a quality education. Not only that, but the vibrant community of people will open my eyes to things I never thought about. Also, the Rutgers community, being so diverse and vibrant, would certainly help me broaden my perspectives.
There is a wide variety of people in Rutgers that have many different backgrounds and cultures. Rutgers will be able to benefit me and let me comprehend merits of different cultures. I will be exposed to variant ideas and traditions that people have inherited or have figured out though life experiences. I lived most of my life in a small town called Highland Park. There was only a small amount of students and the diversity was limited. I grew up in a Chinese family and I have learned so much about my culture throughout my life. There is a lot more to the Chinese culture then just the holidays we celebrate, or the type of food that we eat. The Chinese culture also has to do with the lessons and values that we have. It would be exciting to be able to contribute my cultural experience to Rutgers community. As people say, "Communication is the key to success" which is very important. It means not only contributing what I know, but also listening and respecting to others speaking so I can learn from them.
Rutgers is filled with not only people that are from different cultures but people with their own experiences. Everyone have different experiences from their life, and things that they have to go through. I gained some of my experience from volunteering at Huaxia Edison Chinese School. I helped to organize the cafeteria and sold snacks and soda. It improved my people skills, and I learned a lot about what it is like to sell snacks. My other experiences are from Edison High and the things I learn there. I was part of the yearbook club. It was such an amazing experience and I learned a lot about taking really good pictures. It was also fascinating to learn how we put the yearbook together on the computer. Another club that I joined is ceramics club and I learned how to make pots, plates, and paper holders using clay. It gave me experience with using clays and I learned so much about the different things that can be made using clay and how I can be able to make those things. All those experiences that I had to go though make me who I am today. I will be able to contribute my experiences and get people in Rutgers to understand my life and the things I have learned.
Rutgers University will help me reach my dream to become a nurse. Rutgers will be an amazing experience and there are so many nursing programs so I would be able to learn a lot of the knowledge and skills needed to become a successful nurse. Not only that, but I would also be learning and contributing different cultures and experiences to make Rutgers University an even more diverse community. There are so many different people I would love to meet one day and things that I want to learn. The world has a lot to offer, and by taking risks, and doing what my heart tells me, I hope to be able to get to where I need to be. Rutgers is the college where I will obtain a lot of knowledge and experience so I can reach my goals and dreams.
Just nitpicking a bit here but you may want to use more variety with the beginnings of the last 3 paragraphs. You want to demonstrate that you can write in different unique ways. You could just paraphrase it though
I am sending it out todayyy
Hey, I just got accepted to Rutgers-Newark, so I think I should be able to help you out pretty well. Your essay is also somewhat similar to mine, so it will be easy to compare the two.
I like what you are trying to say, but I will only focus on the problems with your essay. First of all, at the beginning, you say "Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse." but then you said nothing about that at all in your essay. Try not to leave the reader left out; provide the details.
To be frank, the whole paragraph that starts with "Rutgers is filled with not only people that are from different cultures but people with their own experiences." is useless. It does not explain at all how those experiences helped you grow as a person. You say that it gave you experience, but I don't really know whether it was useful at all for you. If you want to talk about this, explain HOW these experiences are important; don't just list them.
In my essay, I focused on just one thing: my culture. I think that it would be easier to focus on just one thing, than on a variety of things. The Chinese culture that you brought up is very nice, but you should elaborate on that a LOT because it would be really good. My advice would be that you should focus your essay on that.
Sorry if I bashed you or anything, but I hope you take it as constructive criticism. :)
Good Luck!
Thank you for your criticism and advice. I am trying to apply to Rutgers- News Brunswick which i think will be harder to get into. I am gonna change my essay according to your ideas and advice. I will repost it afterwards and u can tell me what you think. Thanks again for the help! :)
As a young member of the modern society, I have dreams and goals that motivate me. ------This sentence does not really have any meaning.
It is essential to learn everything that I can in order to achieve my goals one day and be able to serve the society and my country. ----again, no meaning. Too obvious.
Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse. ----Now I am starting to lik eit. I recommend starting the essay with this sentence. That would be great. The sentences that precede it are sentences any student could say. Your specific ambition makes you unique and interesting.
There is a wide variety of people in Rutgers that have many different backgrounds and cultures. ---Google this: transcultural nursing
Discuss it in relation to the diversity at Rutgers.
Rutgers University will help me reach my dream to become a nurse. ----instead of just saying this, you should add some words to the sentence to make it meaningful... "to achieve my dream of becoming anurse, because it has something other schools lack: __________ (fill in the blank).
:-)
