I am finishing up my final application for college and the essay topic was "describe yourself in 250-500 words."
I need some proof-reading and any advice you have to offer. I don't even know if I really even wrote about what they wanted. Sometimes I tend to go off on tangents and completely miss the point of the topic.
Here is my essay:
On October 28, 1994, in Seminole, Florida, a dream came true; Matthew and Susan were blessed with their second baby girl. Living in that same city, eighteen years later, that child is me, a unique girl dying to get out of Florida so she can show the world that of which she is capable.
Living in Florida my entire life, I have developed a love for the ocean. Fascinated by the other world that exists beneath the surface, one of my favorite hobbies is scuba diving. My favorite animals are sharks and stingrays. I am, however, a kind of contradiction. Being a Floridian that loves the ocean, you would imagine I love going to the beach and have an impressive tan. Not at all. I tend to avoid the beach and my skin color is closer to that of a Canadian than a Floridian. Because it's difficult to be out on the water every day, I fostered some other interests on shore. I played volleyball for about eight years until I herniated my disc at 16 years old and had to have back surgery to correct it. Now, most of my time is spent volunteering at the Pinellas Association for Retarded Children, working a full-time job, or studying for my rigorous classes.
But I am more than just my hobbies. What makes me unique is my personality, my dreams, my fears. I have people often describe me as always happy and smiling, kind-hearted, and easy-going. My easy-going attitude is because of my favorite quote, "Diamonds are made under pressure." I love to challenge myself and attempt tasks that others believe to be too difficult; this results in a lot of pressure that, at times, can be overwhelming. I remind myself that without extreme amounts of pressure, we would not have one of the most precious and beautiful stones in the world. This allows me to use the pressure to my advantage and let my life shine.
My dream is to become a trauma surgeon in North Carolina. While some people hate setting foot in a hospital, I get that warm fuzzy feeling as if I am at home. I understand the road to becoming a successful surgeon is not an easy one but because I am hardworking and motivated, I am confident that I would be successful. Sometimes, when people have big dreams like becoming a surgeon, their biggest fear is failing; my biggest fear is being tickled. Unusual, I know. But hey, that's what makes me me.
While I have a lot to offer, I still have a lot of room to grow and improve myself. That's why I think UNCG and I would be a perfect match. My leadership skills and outgoing personality would positively contribute to the college environment while UNCG would not only get me out of Florida, but I believe it has the tools and resources I need to grow and be the best I can be.
Overall, this is a great essay and I don't think you went off topic at all-I think it definitely accomplishes the task of letting the admissions officers get to know you better. A few suggestions:
I think I would take out the part about being fascinated by the underwater world and your favourite animals. It's not bad, it just seems like you're setting up to write about wanting to be a marine biologist rather than a surgeon.
I have people often describe me as always happy and smiling, kind-hearted, and easy-going. My easy-going attitude is because of my favorite quote, "Diamonds are made under pressure." I love to challenge myself and attempt tasks that others believe to be too difficult; this results in a lot of pressure that, at times, can be overwhelming.
This kind of contradicts itself-when you think of someone who is extremely easy-going, you don't think of people who put a lot of pressure on themselves. I think I get what you're trying to say, but maybe separate the fact that you're easygoing and the fact that you do well under pressure.
Finally, in your last sentence, I think you should just take out the part about how going to UNCG would get you out of Florida-maybe change it to say that going to UNCG would give you a new perspective that you couldn't get in Florida, a change of scenery, etc.
I tweaked it just a little. Any better?
On October 28, 1994, in Seminole, Florida, a miracle happened; Matthew and Susan were blessed with their second baby girl. Living in that same city, eighteen years later, that child is me, a unique girl dying to get out of Florida so she can show the world that of which she is capable.
Having lived in Florida my entire life, I love to be on the water. One of my favorite things to do is boating. I am, however, a kind of contradiction. Being a Floridian that loves the ocean, you would imagine I love going to the beach and have an impressive tan. Not at all. I tend to avoid the beach and my skin color is closer to that of a Canadian than a Floridian. Because it's difficult to be out on the water every day, I fostered some other interests on shore. I played volleyball for about eight years until I herniated my disc at 16 years old and had to have back surgery to correct it. Now, most of my time is spent volunteering at the Pinellas Association for Retarded Children, working a full-time job, or studying for my rigorous classes.
But I am more than just my hobbies. What makes me unique is my personality, my dreams, my fears. I have people often describe me as always happy and smiling, kind-hearted, and even-tempered. [b]My patient attitude is because of my favorite quote, "Diamonds are made under pressure." I love to challenge myself and attempt tasks that others believe to be too difficult; this results in a lot of pressure that, at times, can be overwhelming. I remind myself that without extreme amounts of pressure, we would not have one of the most precious and beautiful stones in the world. This allows me to use the pressure to my advantage and let my life shine.
My dream is to become a trauma surgeon in North Carolina. While some people hate setting foot in a hospital, I get that warm fuzzy feeling as if I am at home. I understand the road to becoming a successful surgeon is not an easy one but because I am hardworking and motivated, I am confident that I would be successful. Sometimes, when people have big dreams like becoming a surgeon, their biggest fear is failing; my biggest fear is being tickled. Unusual, I know. But hey, that's what makes me me.
While I have a lot to offer, I still have a lot of room to grow and improve myself. That's why I think UNCG and I would be a perfect match. My leadership skills and outgoing personality would positively contribute to the college environment while UNCG would not only offer a change of scenery, but I believe it has the tools and resources I need to grow and be the best I can be.
I'm not so sure I like the 'because of' in my patient attitude if because of... Is there any way I can reword that or just forget it completely?
