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"my dream career of becoming a geologist" - Ohio State University essay help


diriye23 1 / -  
Jan 3, 2011   #1
Im not sure my essay is up to standards yet. Could someone please critique it.

Ohio State University is one of the most prestigious universities in the nation. The campus has a great variety of classes and majors. I come from a Somali background, in which both my parents moved to America from Africa. Neither went to college, therefore making me the first male generation in my family to enter a college. While attending high school I felt that I fitted in smoothly with a diverse crowd. I feel as if I was a favorable character among my peers and my teachers in school. While in high school I joined a club called support group for my first three years. The club dealt with situations involving race problems in which I felt a need to contribute. I feel that support group in high school has helped in my understanding of other cultures that I will encounter on campus. After staying in Ohio for almost twelve years I have finally decided that OSU is the right choice for me. There are many colleges and universities around the nation I could apply to, but Ohio State University seems more of a rightful choice. Therefore, I would strive to be a hard working person in and out of school. This university has greatly affected many people's lives in succession. The opportunity to go to this university, would affect my family in a major fashion. I plan to finish college with my bachelors and masters. Attending Ohio State University can greatly help my family if I were to receive a higher education. If accepted, I know I will work hard into fulfilling my dream career of becoming a geologist.

swoosh18 4 / 40  
Jan 3, 2011   #2
First, what is the prompt?
Ohio State University is one of the most prestigious universities in the nation. The campus has a great variety of classes and majors. I come from a Somali background, in which both my parents moved to America from Africa. Neither went to college, therefore making me the first male generation in my family to enter a college. While attending high school I felt that I fitted in smoothly with a diverse crowd. I feel as if I was a favorable character among my peers and my teachers in school. While in high schoolAren't you still in high school? I joined a club called support group for my first three years. The club dealt with situations involving race problems in which I felt a need to contribute. I feel that support group in high school has helped in my understanding of other cultures that I will encounter on campus. After living in Ohio for almost twelve years, I have finally decided that OSU is the right choice for me. There are many colleges and universities around the nation I could apply to, but Ohio State University seems more of a rightful choice. Therefore, I would strive to be a hard working person in and out of school. This university has greatly affected many people's lives in succession. The opportunity to go to this university, would affect my family in a major fashion. How will it affect your family? I plan to finish college with my bachelors and masters. Attending Ohio State University can greatly help my family if I were to receive a higher education. If accepted, I know I will work hard into fulfilling my dream career of becoming a geologist.

Please read my essay too. Thanks!


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