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"A dream too far"-UC Application prompt#1 Essay on my life and surroundings

nanosuit 4 / 8 1  
Nov 27, 2013   #1
Utopia?No.But growing up in Bangladesh was not all tough nor was living in a middle-class family as one might guess.The country has had some financial issues alright but calling it impoverished would be a gross underestimation.I grew up in a place where both sides of the picture could be experienced;both prodigality and poverty.Opportunities were limited,if not deucedly restricted.We were in-between.I grew up with one brother and one sister.We lived adjacent to our paternal grandmother and grandfather. Whatever i say about my grandpa and grandma would be less and quite honestly, my vocabulary is altogether too limited to describe exactly how benevolent they were.I was pretty reticent and never had too many friends.I'd go to my grandpa's literally everyday after school.He was a best friend i eventually grew up not having,for he passed away when i was 10.He died of lung cancer.My grandma started becoming my next best friend.

Raising 3 kids and ensuring they obtained education was strenuous in a country like Bangladesh;overpopulated and without opportunity.But my parents ensured we never felt belittled.As far back as i can remember,my uncle was my first companion when i was no older than 3 or 4.He is truly a role model.I've learnt time and again that no matter how far your destination, each passing day that you think about it is one day closer to your goal.Regardless of the number of red cirlces on my report cards i was never treated differently.I participated in every type of sports at school and i was always good at that.It was much later,however,ere high school, that my report cards started seeing less red and more praise.

I was always interested in the mechanisms.I would always try and explain how something worked by mere observation.It was not about how beautiful it looked or the wonders it could perform,it was about what was going on on the inside that seized my attention.Since i didn't have much knowledge about electrical circuits.Purely mechanical things like primitive pulleys and levers were always a fascination.In my country,we believe in fixing things rather than buying.Somehow i could fix anything ranging from water systems to computers.Thus i became interested in computers as well.I study in the living room amid chaos because i don't have a room of my own.But this does not hold me, rather it spurs me onward.

When i was about 12 i made a mechanical,miniature vending machine all by myself.I mentally rendered the mechanism and it worked.A coin of sufficient mass would go into the slot and a chocolate bar would wind up on a receptacle.From the outside it looked like a mere box but when peeked inside a lot was going on.There were two planks pivoted in the middle and one end of the smaller was on top of the larger one while the other end had the chocolate bars.The coin would fall on the larger plank making it rotate about the pivot.Since both planks were connected,tilting one would tilt the other,and the bar would fall towards the receptacle.I had applied principle of moments without even realizing it.

The role played by my current school in bringing me up to who i am today is immense.When i first applied for 9th grade I performed extremely bad in the entrance exam and almost got rejected.The principle took me in on a condition that I'd work really hard.6 months after i applied i got 'G' in Pure maths and 'U'(unclassified)in Maths B.Later down the road,I worked hard with sheer determination.No later than 4 months after that i secure 'A' in pure maths and 'A*' in maths B.It was class 9 however,that helped my amorphous dreams acquire a shape.I became fascinated with science and math.I started reading college level books i.e advanced calculus and physics;books that were way beyond the curricula.As a result i eventually acquired the tools required to explain everyday phenomenon including electrical circuits.

I am open to challenges and i can adapt to any situation.I strain myself in hopes that my ambitions won't be a dream too far.

Is it enough?I need you to correct any grammatical or punctuation errors.Also tell me if any of the info i entered seem redundant or unnecessary.I am open to harsh criticisms :)

Thank you.

dzup36 2 / 5  
Nov 27, 2013   #2
For starters this essay is 691 words, leaving 319 maximum for your prompt #2. <-just something to think about.
You spend a good chunk of the essay describing your world, which was well done.
I would suggest, however, that you put more focus towards one description, either life in Bangladesh, your studying of electrical circuits, or your self created vending machine.

I also think you should balance more writing towards linking your world with your dreams.
touch a bit on your actual "dreams and aspirations" would be a good idea.
Good luck friend!
OP nanosuit 4 / 8 1  
Nov 27, 2013   #3
Yeah i know its pretty big.Should i abridge it by removing the 'vending machine' part and include that in prompt#2?

I tried copy-pasting this into the UC essay field and it shows 709 words:P lol

Thanks for your advice friend :D
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 27, 2013   #4
The country has had some financial issues alright but calling it impoverished would be a gross underestimation.

The country do have some financial issues, but calling it impoverished would be a gross underestimation
[quote=nanosuit]Raising 3three kids and ensuring they obtained education was strenuous in a country like Bangladesh; overpopulated and without opportunity[ /quote]... avoid writing numbers in essays.

Raising three kids and ensuring that they be well educated is not an easy task for Bangladeshis.
It's good if you included the prompt - I like to see it in full!
14janicel 3 / 15 2  
Nov 27, 2013   #5
i usually don't like to tell people to loose a whole paragraph, but i think you could loose the second paragraph. i extract more info about your uncle than yourself in that paragraph and it doesn't really further or build up to your dreams and aspirations

the paragraph about mechanics on the other hand conveys who your are as a person. you could probably expand on that idea by saying what you learened from that experience, how you overcame any obsstacles related to that expereince, and so on.

i get that you hope your dreams won't be too far off. that's really abstract. the admissions officers want to know your concrete plans for the future. it doesn't need to be academic but at least give them a feel for what you aspire to become as a person.

overall, i think you need to focus on one example and relate it to your life in bangledash and your aspirations. best of luck!

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