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"My dream" essay (a medical profession)


eternal flame 6 / 18  
Jul 31, 2009   #1
Hi all,

I've just drafted my short essay about my dream. I'm not a native English speaker and really need your help on the grammar and vocab to beautify this essay. I really appreciate your help.

I have a dream. I dream that one day I could bring light back to the visually impaired people.

My mother advised me to pursue a medical profession. By heeding to her advice, I would have revisited the safe and conventional path of becoming an ophthalmologist. Instead I was filled with wonder why there had been surgeons who could replace hundreds of lenses in one day but nearly half of the patients develop complications a few weeks after the operation. It had been acknowledged that the incompatibility of the material caused the rejection, making the remedy expensive and risky. I soon turned into the decision to drop Biology and fully focused on Physics, particularly the field of material research. As time went by, my dream has evolved into a pursuit. I determined to be a researcher to find a safer, more reliable material for the lens replacement.

I have studied hard to fulfill it. I won a prestigious scholarship to study overseas and accepted it even though the future held no certainty at that time. The only possession and armor to hardship I carried with me to a foreign land was that dream.

My passion for research kept me going. Despite the full academic workload, the high expectation and the competitive environment, I have never let myself been occupied by grades and assessments. Instead, I took part in a nanomaterial research program at the university. Many long hours were spent in the laboratory. Many weekends were forgone. Many white nights were spent writing report and analysis. Life of a researcher is full of scarification but the experience is immeasurably rewarding. How many of my friends have seen the beauty of nanostructures through the microscope, marveling at how they would bring light to somebody one day?

The journey has not yet come to an end, but neither does it stand completely beyond reach. I am one step closer to my dream. I am applying to UIUC.

An ordinary dream. An unordinary dreamer.
OP eternal flame 6 / 18  
Jul 31, 2009   #2
My passion for research kept me going. Despite the full academic workload, the high expectation and the competitive environment, I have never let myself been occupied by grades and assessments. Instead, I took part in a nanomaterial research program at the university. Many long hours were spent in the laboratory. Many weekends were forgone. Many white nights were spent writing report and analysis. Life of a researcher is full of scarification but the experience is immeasurably rewarding. How many of my friends have seen the beauty of nanostructures through the microscope, marveling at how they would bring light to somebody one day?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 31, 2009   #3
Get rid of the "dream" frame. It's unnecessary, and while it might work as a poetic device, MLK sort of ruined it for everyone else who might want to use it, because you're not going to top the original speech. Apart from that, your essay is fairly strong. You have a clear research goal and you explain why it means something to you. I believe, though, that you might mean that

The life of a researcher is full of sacrifice .
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 2, 2009   #4
I have a dream. <--- i see what your trying to do, but its a little weird for this essay? if you REALLY want to use it, maybe you should say at the end waht your dream is to tie it all in. other than that, i dont really like it.

Yes, remember that even though this is a common phrase, it evokes MLK's famous "I have a dream" speech. Unless you want that association, and can live up to it, avoid using that as an attention-catching sentence.
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 2, 2009   #5
yea i agree with sean and simone on this one.
ur essay is VERY strong.

good job!! after you do the whole dream thing and take it away, i think youll be all set :)

good luck!!
OP eternal flame 6 / 18  
Aug 3, 2009   #6
Help!!!!

I showed this to my college counselor this morning. He said my hook was not strong enough and the writing was too generic. The essay does not show something unique about me.

I'm desperately looking for a hook in this essay. Please help me if you can. I really appreciate it.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 3, 2009   #7
Your writing certainly isn't generic, and a hook, while nice, is more of an extra than a necessity. If you absolutely must have one, though, I'd try to think of something to do with the notion of deciding to become a material engineer when everyone was pushing you to become a doctor.


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