UC Essay #1: Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, your community, or your school. How has your world shaoed your dreams and aspirations?
Beads of sweat raced down my palms as I approached Casa Grande High School for the very first time at the ripe age of thirteen. The quarter of a mile walk from my house to the school appeared to take mere seconds as the overwhleming feeling of entering a new world put my mind in a haze; I expected to get lost, made fun of, or be completely ignored. I had forgotten my school map at home and was far too intimidated to ask for assistance, so I quickly became lost; the school was divided into several buildings. I began to walk towards the office, the only building I knew the location of, when a tall man in faded blue jeans and a black shirt with a fish in the upper left hand corner approached me and asked if I needed any help. I was so shocked that someone had reached out to me that I failed to respond for a good minute. This nice man revealed that he was Mr. Furrer, the wildlife biology teacher and the founder of the United Anglers program on campus. This spontaneous encounter changed my high school experience in a way I never could have imagined.
After assiting me, Mr. Furrer invited me to have lunch with him at the hatchery, where his classroom was located. I was extremely anxious throughout my morning classes and could not wait to see Mr. Furrer again and ask him the millions of questions that were swimming around in my head. The bell finally rang at twelve thirty and I pulled my map out heading for what would soon become my safe haven.
A polar bear, a grizzly bear, geckos, and salamanders were what I encountered upon entering Mr. Furrer's classroom with my mind in utter amazement. I could not fathom that such a fascinating room could actually exist outside of a museum; I knew I had to be a part of this amazing class in any way possible. Mr. Furrer informed me about his United Anglers program, which has completely resurrected the Adobe Creek and now works to save Fall Run Chinook Salmon stuck in the Petaluma River. I applied for a position in the program immediately and have been a part of it for the past three years. Since becoming a part of the program, my perception of school has completely changed. In the past, teachers and students alike would stress the importance of learning, but it was implicitly obvious that grades were their main concern. I believed that grades were all that mattered in order to get into a good school because that was what I was taught, however the United Anglers program presented me with an entirely different viewpoint. I learned that while grades are important, they should not be the sole focus of one's high school years; teenagers need to be exposed to as many different situations as they can so they are able to grow and mature and that simply does not happen if they constantly have their heads stuck in books studying.
In the United Anglers program, we primarily work as a unit outside of the classroom where a plethora of activities can be performed. We work to educate the community about keeping the city clean and conservation, which comes in the forms of giving tours of our student-run hatchery and teaching elementary school kids about salmon and their life cycle. It is through these experiences that I have learned the most about myself. This program has increased my confidence through working with a myriad of people in sundry situations. As time has gone on and I work with more and more fish, I find that I want to study them more than I want to spawn them. My love of aquatic animals and my fascination with science are now equal and I found that I could combine them with marine biology.
My love for both persists and I can only dream of studying and helping aqautic animals of all sorts because they play such a valuable role in the world. I find the personal fulfillment that I will achieve in this field far more valuable than anything else. As I approach the next stage in my life, I am prepared to experience my two passions on a more serious level and in a way that will impact the entire world rather than just one community. I want to be that person who explores the seas and discovers new species and educates people about the amazing creatures that live where most people never have the opportunity to travel.
*This is my rough draft all editing and other feedback is well appreciated!
The quarter of a mile walk from my house to the school appeared to take days as the overwhleming feeling of entering a new world put my mind in a haze
Seeing as the quarter mile seemed to take days, this means that you wanted to get to school, you were excited for it. But you were, in fact, filled with fright. Meaning that the walk should have felt too short.
I began to walk towards the office, the only building I knew the location of
Your school office is a seperate building???
While my job will not make me a millionaire
Unnecessary.
Although you do bring up your dream to become a marine biologist, your last paragraph says nothing about your dreams and aspirations. I feel that it should.
I'm confused. You say that your dream is to help aquatic animals and yet you are a member of a club called United Anglers? Don't anglers torture fish for sport?
I felt that I had summarized what the United Anglers program was about, but I see that it was unclear. How in depth do you feel that I should go?
I felt that I had summarized what the United Anglers program was about
Simone is just confused as to why your club helps the environment when it is called the United Anglers program.
Your description of the United Anglers does not need any further detail.
I do not know how to explain why the program in called United Anglers. The only way in which we are similar to anglers is that we catch fish. We save them out of toxic rivers, while other anglers kill them and eat them. Should I mention this?
I don't think that you need to worry about it.
I have made some adjustments, but I still feel that the essay it too long and maybe not be strong enough. Are there any parts that I could cut out without losing the message?
I was extremely anxious throughout my morning classes and could not wait to see Mr. Furrer again and ask him the millions of questions that were swimming around in my head.
I don't understand where these questions come from.
And there were polar and grizzly bears in his classroom? I would think that these are models correct? If so, you should make that clear.
I believed that grades were all that mattered in order to get into a good school because that was what I was taught, however the United Anglers program presented me with an entirely different viewpoint.
This makes me think that you joined the United Anglers because it was a different way to get into college.
I am still worried about the length though.
How long is it supposed to be
I have 1000 words to write two essays and this is only one of them. I have not written the other yet. This essay is 768 words.
Should I mention this?
Yes. Unfortunately for you, your club name seems to place you among the quasi-environmentalists who only preserve wildlife in order to be able to kill it. All you have to say to avoid that unfortunate misunderstanding is that, unlike the "anglers" who catch fish for sport, United Anglers catches fish in order to save them.
The bell finally rang at twelve thirty and I pulled my map out heading for what would soon become my safe haven.
Don't need this.
A polar bear, a grizzly bear, geckos, and salamanders were what I encountered upon entering Mr. Furrer's classroom with my mind in utter amazement. I could not fathom that such a fascinating room could actually exist outside of a museum; I knew I had to be a part of this amazing class in any way possible.
This is unnecessary.
Since becoming a part of the program, my perception of school has completely changed. (...) teenagers need to be exposed to as many different situations as they can so they are able to grow and mature and that simply does not happen if they constantly have their heads stuck in books studying.
This whole thing can be omitted because it has nothing to do with your point which is how the united anglers fueled your desire to become a marine biologist.
Beads of sweat raced down my palms as I approached Casa Grande High School for the very first time at the ripe age of thirteen. (...) so I quickly became lost; the school was divided into several buildings.
This can be shortened.
I have made some more adjustments and feel that it is a bit stronger now. Do you have any last comments? I would also love for you to edit it. Thanks so much for all of the help!!!!!
I think that this is great. It is free of useless sentences as well as glaring grammatical errors. It will certainly be a strong entry.
