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WHO AM I? 'dream to work as a game developer'


maryjane 1 / 2  
May 12, 2014   #1
WHO AM I?
My name is Sam. I am 16 years old. I live in Bacolod City, Negros Occidental. I graduated from Negros Occidental High School. I am the only child in our family. My father is unemployed and is the one who was with me while growing up. My mother is a domestic helper in Hong Kong and the one who supports our financial needs and my grandmother's needs too.

During my free time, I enjoy doing my hobbies such as learning new play new piano sheets, playing computer games, and reading books or articles. My interest in computer helped me realize what I wanted to take up in college.

When I am with my friends, I describe myself as an outgoing person. I find it easy to make new friends when I am with them. I treat these friends like my sisters and brothers. So if ever they need a helping hand, I try my best to reach out my hands to them.

However, my dream is different from my friends. I want to finish a degree in computer science and get a job so that my mother can already go home for good. While supporting my parents, I am planning to take a master's degree in my field. Thus, my dream to work as a game developer in a gaming company, like Nintendo or Electronic Arts, can be attainable. That is how I currently picture out what I really wanted to do in life.

___________________
Thanks everyone :D
KellyChu 1 / 3  
May 12, 2014   #2
I think you should say: My interest in computer helps me realize what I want to is take up in college...
That's just my opinion :)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
May 12, 2014   #3
I am 16 years old. I live in Bacolod City, Negros Occidental. I graduated from Negros Occidental High School.

.... The word "I" gets repeated too many times. Let's present these lines a bit differently;
I am sixteen years old and living in Bacolod City, Negros Occidental. I graduated from Negros Occidental High Schools.
My mother is a domestic helper in Hong Kong and the one who supports our financial needs and my grandmother's needs too. the financial needs of our family which includes our grandmother too.
OP maryjane 1 / 2  
May 12, 2014   #4
but my grandmother is not in our household? also, should i change " our grandmother" to "my" ? I don't have siblings.

Thanks :D
OP maryjane 1 / 2  
May 12, 2014   #5
Thanks,Kelly! I just read your essay and found some errors but others have pointed them out already. Really sorry,I can't find other errors anymore :(
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 12, 2014   #6
Here some edits:
When I am with my friends, I describe myself as an outgoing person if compared to others . Many people find it hard to make friends, but when it comes to me,I find it easy to make new friendsit is always easywhen I am with them. I treat these friends like my sisters and brothers. So if ever they need a helping handsome helps, I will be there with all my best.try my best to reach out my hands to them.

Final draft:
I describe myself as an outgoing person if compared to others. Many people find it hard to make friends, but when it comes to me, it is always easy.I treat them like my sisters and brothers. So if they need some helps, I will be there with all my best.


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