I am applying for an AAS degree at FIT NY, after nearly a decade of being out of my last college. The topic is
"What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to?"
I need your feedback on the essay I have written. Thank you so much in advance!
Here is the essay:
When I was 10 years old, living in India, I dreamed of going to FIT and becoming a fashion designer. I believed I was decent at drawing and had a good aesthetic sense. I knew the names of several international designers, and I devoured every fashion magazine that I could lay my hands upon and religiously watched runway shows on FTV. However, fashion as a career was unheard of in conservative middle-class families in India.
At age 12, my family and I moved to Indianapolis, Indiana, where I spent the next ten years. My first experience of being in a mall was incredibly exciting as well as intimidating. I had never before seen so many stores inside such a vast building. Each store housed bazillion products, and I was in a daze. It was the first time I had encountered pretty and confident sales associates, promotional discounts, interesting store displays, and of course, the variety of merchandise. I was intrigued by the fact that most apparel was made in India and cost three times as much as it did back home in India, although the quality was much higher. The business of retail fascinated me to no end, and I wanted to be a part of it. I did not have the opportunity to work in a retail store as most high school students in the US do. Being a non-immigrant on an H4 visa (as opposed to an immigrant obtaining US citizenship) I was not eligible for financial aid and my family couldn't afford to send me to NYC to pursue fashion. I knew I was smart, I enjoyed crunching numbers and the prospect of getting a highly paid job possibly in NYC, one of the fashion capitals of the world, was tempting, and thus I received my Bachelor's degree in Finance.
At the end of 2008, my family and I had to move back to India due to financial reasons. I worked as a content editor for Spanish and English song lyrics, and while I was there, I enrolled myself in a one-year Diploma program in Fashion Retail Management at the National Institute of Fashion Technology in Mumbai. Although the institute is quite reputable and has produced a lot of famous designers, I was highly disappointed with the quality of the program.
Strangely enough, my life keeps gravitating towards New York City. In 2013, I got married and moved back here from India and re-started my life as a non-immigrant housewife. Until recently, US immigration laws did not permit a non-immigrant on an H4 visa to be employed. At several moments I thought to myself that now was the perfect time to go back to school and study what I wanted to from the very beginning, but I felt guilty about being financially dependent on my husband. But now as I am almost 30 years old, something inside me has changed. I have realized that it is never too late to start doing what you love even if it means starting from the bottom, and in the past two years, I have achieved more that I ever imagined I could. I took advantage of my last two years without a job and took the time to involve myself in a number of activities that I was too afraid of as a child, such as learning to ride a bicycle, swimming, dancing, and yoga. As soon as I received my work authorization, I opened my own Etsy shop where I sell handmade organic skincare products. As a Reiki practitioner since age 10, I also finally started my Reiki practice as a business, healing clients in my local community. I feel like I am the best version of myself that I have ever been as a person, with more room to grow, and there is no better time than right now to enroll in the Fashion Business Management program at FIT.
The Fashion Business Management program is the perfect way to combine my skills in Finance and Business Management with the creative aspect of textiles and fashion. My goal is to obtain internships through my studies at FIT and build a career in Fashion Merchandising. I believe I am the right candidate for FIT because I am open to new challenges, and have a never-ending thirst to keep learning and growing, and I know that FIT is the final destination as well as the beginning of my journey into the world of fashion.
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I would say that this is a well-written essay. I do really like the way you explain the answer of those two prompts. It was really entertaining to read. However, even though there are only few mistakes or errors that should be addressed, I can still see some rooms for improving the quality of your essay. I hope you can follow through.
- ...my family
couldn'tcould not afford... (avoid using contraction(s) in an academic essay)
- I knew I was smart... (saying that you're smart will make the selection committee probably think that you're over confidence. My suggestion is that you can paraphrase them.)
ButHowever, now as now I am almost 30 years ...
- I have achieved more
thatthan I ever imagined I could.
- I believe that I am the right candidate for...
As you can see, minor modifications have been delivered. I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be helpful towards your application.
You provide a great deal of information about your background and why you will be a non-traditional learner and this is great, but so much focus is not needed. What you should speak more about here is the program you are applying to and how you plan to leverage the resources of the program to further/launch your career in fashion merchandising. The more specific you can be the better. - Selective Admissions