"A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future

The below is my drafted essay for the common app. I hope you can provide me with corrections, and ideas for its improvement.

It is 750words (100words over limit), so please point out things that I can delete!
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it is understandable. If I were they, I would also highly doubt what I hear. How could it for a boy who model-walks down the hall with a contagious laughter go through such traumatic experience? I know It is hard to believe. But that is what happened: I was bullied, and that changed me forever.

At the age of 9, I came to China with dream and hope. Then I, a third grader and a foreigner to the environment, was bullied and treated with dismay. Just because I was a bit obese and had a high pitched voice, and only because I was a shy third culture kid, I was treated with no respect or manners. Starting from first day of school, no one bothered to say hi or even talk to me. When I approached them, they would push me away and give me a stare that still gives me a chill. In the classroom, they ripped my books and threw my homework away. In the dorm, they punched me with joy as if I was a sandbag. In the cafeteria, they poured soup on me as if I was the waste-bin.

However, as the eldest kid who did not want to make his parents worry, I never told my family what really happened in school. Everyday I would get back to my house with a big smile on my face, trying my best to look satisfied and exultant. It was like a sad one-man show with no audience that continued for 3 years without a day of rest. My desperate protests to the teachers, who valued connections with the Chinese parents, were ignored and thrown aside, while my act of vengeance to the bullies resulted to a public humiliation: the teacher slapped me in front of the students and told me, the very victim of bullying, to apologize.

I could have shouted or slammed everything in rage. But, I did not; I was too scared. I followed his order, because I knew, to the others, my rights, and my voice were trifling. I stayed low, because I knew I was just a cowardice lonely boy against the rest of the community.

But I never lost hope, even when I transferred and faced more ignorance and discrimination. The Asians ostracized me for my nationality, while the others called me "pig" or "monster" for my obese body and high-pitched voice. Suppressed, and hurt, I reached out for help. I prayed everyday, every week, waiting for a miracle to come. I talked to every single adult, including teachers, and counselors, hoping they would be the glimpse of light in my dark tunnel of life. Yet, nothing would change. Every time they would do a class-announcement like "Please treat all your peers nicely", and that was it. No punishments, and no actions. Slowly, my despair transformed itself into the nebulous frustration of waiting, which then concreted into a determination. The determination to make a change. After 4 years, I was tired of acting as if nothing happened when the blue spots on my body increased exponentially. I was tired of crying by myself silently, and was tired of devising up ways of peaceful suicide. I realized with nobody doing anything, change wasn't going to descend from sky like Jesus. I had to be the change-maker.

I dove myself into schoolwork, kept myself busy, not trying to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but to work to become someone who can make a change. Having never stopped to take a rest or to look back, I was soon surrounded by people who accepted me for who I am, and who appreciated or even revered me for what I do. If asked upon, bullying is not what I would like to experience again. Nevertheless, ironically, I am grateful that it has happened. The experience has crudely peeled my eggshell of vulnerability, and has given me an insurmountable armor made of scars and blood. It kept me living everyday to my full potential, allowing me to find happiness in every corner of my life. Most importantly, It has given me a direction. A ambitious dream of becoming an international leader who utilizes his knowledge and abilities to make progress for the international community. Someone needs to hear and act upon the cries of the bullied, and that will be me.

Community, I will clean up the paragraphs for you and make any comments per paragraph :-)


- ...I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them.It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who ... could go through ...


- I came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope. As a foreign third grader who was unfamiliar with the surroundings, I ended up being bullied. Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, I was disrespected by my peers. I had no friends, cold stares greeted me wherever I went in school I was physically abused in every way, shape, and form.


- Merge these two paragraphs because these are connected.
- Being the eldest child in my family, I knew that I had to be more responsible for myself. I did not want to make my parents worry so I never told them what was happening to me. I would fake being happy at school for the next 3 years. I did approach my teachers and school authorities though. It was a futile exercise because the bullies had powerful parents so my pleas for help went unheeded. When I finally defended myself, it resulted in public humiliation as I was publicly slapped by my teacher and forced to apologize to the bully. I did what I was told to do because I was a coward and I knew nobody would stand up for me even if they knew the truth.


- The bullying continued even when I changed schools. I did my best to seek the help of the persons in charge at school, hoping they would help me and guide me out of the darkness of my school life. All my efforts were in vain. There were no punishments, no actions taken to protect me. I felt the frustration building within me.Instead of turning rebellious and violent, I chose to use it as determination instead. I was determined to make a change. I was not going to take the bullying anymore. My body was physically tired, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I even considered suicide for a time. I knew that if I wanted to stop the bullying. I had to do something to make it happen for myself.


- Your train of thought is not clear in this sentence. You said that you needed to do something to make change happen for myself. Yet you do not tell us what you did to stop the bullying. You need to discuss that because that is the very essence of this paper. You survived bullying. Tell us how you did it. Tell the inspiring story of a student who survived bullying. Change this paragraph. It is a very weak conclusion to your powerful essay.

Consider my suggested paragraph changes for your paper. It should help bring down your word count :-) We will be here to help you polish this paper to the point where you will be comfortable submitting it so don't hesitate to ask questions or seek additional advice regarding writing the essay :-)

Thank you for the quick reply!

Can you give me some general thoughts about the essay? How is it? Is it too cliche? What kind of student do you see from this essay?

What I see from the character of the student is a person who has the gift of patience. You tried to stay away from defending yourself physically until you could stand it no further. So that shows a tremendous amount of self restraint on your part. Which is also a nice trait in a person. However, the problem with the essay is that you titled it "Dreamer" but there was nothing in the essay that referred to your dreams. It could have been the dream of taking down the bullies or overcoming the bad situation you were in. Normally, when you choose a title for your essay, it already describes the content. But in this case, the title did not really make any sense because whatever dream you had was never made clear nor addressed in the narrative. Perhaps you should rethink the title of your essay?

The topic is not cliche. In fact, it is very timely. So you should really develop the bullying portion of your experience and discuss how you overcame the bullying and what lessons you learn about your inner strength, ability to overcome obstacles, and lessons that you learned about dealing with people whose culture and mindset does not offer tolerance for others.

I have made some changes to my last two paragraphs. Please make further corrections for me

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I stopped complaining and dove myself into schoolwork, kept myself busy, not trying to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but working to become someone who can make a change. I never stopped for a rest or to look back. I assured myself obstacles make me stronger and allowed the name-calling to pass by my ears like a wind breeze. I was right. Soon, moved by my optimism and patience, people accepted me for who I am, and appreciated or even revered what I do.

Yes, I was no longer alone.

5 years of bullying crudely peeled my eggshell of vulnerability, and gave me an insurmountable armor made of scars and blood. It kept me living everyday to my full potential, allowing me to find happiness and value in every corner of my life. It taught me to look beyond appearance and tolerate one's personality and difference. It made me live on and be proud of who I am and not who people want me to be. Someone needs to hear and act upon the cries of the bullied, and that will be me. I will stop the suffering and help them learn the lessons I was taught. I will make a change.

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Thanks

Further corrections as requested :-)


- ... tryingnot to be... neverlooked back ... myself that the obstacles made me...
- Exactly what was it that they appreciated or revered you for? It would be nice to know that information.


- What made you say that? How did that happen? You need to explain it.


- How do you plan to stop the bullying? An overview would be much appreciated in order to show your maturity and change of character from weak to strong.

Thank you so much for your comments. After looking back your previous comments, I re-structured my essay.

I hope you can help me again and provide me with some of your thoughts. (Word Count - 623)

Title - Best Friend

They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it is understandable. I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them. It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who walks down the hall confidently with a contagious laughter, could have went through such traumatic experience. But it happened. I was bullied, and that experience changed me forever.

Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, bullying accompanied me like my best friend for more than 5 years. From when I first came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope, to when I transferred to an international school in Middle school. It was reluctant to let go of its tight gripped on my life, torturing my vulnerable little soul, even after listening to my desperate prayers. It pushed me to the edge of the window, making me ponder whether or not to jump down to find a quick way out. It was conservative and selfish, not allowing anyone to come near me to share his or her sympathy and kindness.

[...]

Community, let me see if I can help you bring the essay in under the word count. While the maximum word count helps you to end the essay at a particular point, Not all essays need to take up the maximum words. More can actually be said using less words. I will try to show you how that is done :-) I'll also pay particular attention to your ending and help you to strengthen it.



- ... edgeof the cliff ,...


- I pleaded for help from the ...
- Try to avoid any religious references in order to not offend any religious minded people who might be reading your essay.


- I no longer hesitate to stand up for myself in a logical manner. Using my gift of analysis and logic to open the minds of the bullies each time they tried to force me to answer "Where are you really from?". Where I came from no longer matter. I realized that they would not understand that the answer to that question was simply "I come from the earth. Just like you." I was now the wise defender of the meek and bullied. I grew stronger the day I decided to stand up to bullying and began to defend the others being bullied in school.


- I survived bullying by learning to turn it into my friend. I know that there are others out there suffering in the same way that I did. Now that I know how to defeat this unseen enemy, I have decided to turn the end of bullying into a personal crusade. I will be the bullied person's best friend and teach him to find his voice so he too can stand up for himself and become stronger in the future.

Does this work for you? How did we do on the word count? I know we were able to bring it down :-)

Hello,

Sorry for the late reply! I have been busy with preparing for my SAT subject tests, and decided to not work on my essay until after the exams.

I had taken most of your feedbacks into consideration, and made some edits to my essay after your previous reply.

The word count is now 697, and I am unsure of what are some sentences that I can delete.

It would be great if you can help me look it over again, and answer the following questions:
- Does my introduction grab the audience?
- Do you have any concerns with this essay? (For clarification, I avoided putting in specific things I did in my essay, because I had wanted my essay to be more of an explanation of the "activities list" on my common app.)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments.

--------

They looked at me with surprise, lips trembling, grasping for words to say. I knew this would happen. They did not believe me, again. But, it was understandable. I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them. It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who walks down the hall confidently with a contagious laughter, could have gone through such traumatic experiences. But it happened. I was bullied, and that experience changed me forever.

Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, bullying accompanied me like my best friend for more than 5 years. From when I first came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope, to when I transferred to an international school in Middle school, it was reluctant to let go of its tight grip on my life, torturing my vulnerable little soul. It pushed me to the edge of the cliff, making me ponder whether or not to jump down to find a quick way out. It was possessive and selfish, not allowing anyone to come near me to share his or her sympathy and kindness.

I pleaded for help from the teachers and school authorities, hoping they would help me and guide me out of the darkness of my school life. All my efforts were in vain. There were no punishments, no actions taken to protect me. As the blue spots on my body increased, I felt the frustration building within me. Instead of turning rebellious and violent, I chose to use it as determination instead. I was determined to make a change. I was not going to take the bullying anymore. My body was physically tired; I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I realized change wasn't going to descend from the sky like Jesus. I knew that if I wanted to stop the bullying. I had to do something to make it happen for myself.

I stopped complaining and dove into schoolwork, kept myself busy, trying not to be recognized or acknowledged by the others, but working to become someone who can make a change. I never looked back. I assured myself that the obstacles made me stronger and allowed the name-calling to pass. I focused on being who I am and not who people want me to be. I no longer hesitated to stand up for myself in a logical manner. Using my gift of analysis and logic to open the minds of the bullies each time they tried to force me to answer "Where are you really from?". Where I came from no longer matter. I realized that they would not understand that the answer to that question was simply "I come from the earth. Just like you." I was now the wise defender of the meek and bullied. I grew stronger the day I decided to stand up to bullying and began to defend the others being bullied in school.

Soon, I was part of the community, and my best friend - bullying - let me go as if he was satisfied with my progress. Many accepted me for who I am, and appreciated or even revered me for what I do. actively contributing to the school community by creating opportunities for the others with my given abilities. My smile was no longer fake, and I had no reason to ache.

Looking back, bullying was indeed my best friend, evil yet helpful. It cruelly removed my eggshell of vulnerability, and replaced it with an armor of patience. It gave me unforgettable pain, yet helped me to live everyday to my full potential, finding happiness and value in every corner of my life. It taught me to look beyond appearance and celebrate one's personality and difference. It taught me to forgive the others for their mistakes and misdeeds.

I know that there are others out there suffering in the same way that I did. Now that I know how to defeat this unseen enemy, I have decided to turn the end of bullying into a personal crusade. Now it is my turn to be someone's best friend.

Community, I listed down a few revisions that need to be applied before the essay can be ready for submission. If you like this version then you can consider submitting it already.


- ... surprise . My lips were trembling...


- Never start a sentence with "But", Instead say "It was..."


- ... change wasn't going to happen unless I made it happen...
- No religious references in essays. You don't know whom you might offend in the process. That is not a politically correct thing to do.


- .. wanted me to be...
- Look out for your tenses. If you start a sentence in past tense, end it in past tense.


- ... no longer mattered .


- ... what I did ,

Sorry for the extremely late reply :( I have been busy with my IB Course work.

Anyways, thank You for your suggestions!!