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UC Prompt 1 Dreams and Aspirations


work2009 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
University of California admissions essay prompt 1:

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Clear...1700 volts of electricity rattles through the heart muscle, the heart stops. This moment is no man's land, a moment where flat line follows or resuscitation. This is what I like to call life. A defibrillator can only be used three times on a failing heart, and each shock is to stop the heart in an attempt to get it back in rhythm. To me, finding my hearts' rhythm is like finding the path I need to fulfill my passion. For my heart to me is my goal and when I stir away from the path that I am destined to adhere to I have three vital shocks that get me back into pace. My life lines are my family, culture and my passion for medicine.

With the common phrase "Where is the bathroom?" I learned at a very young age the struggles that my parents faced coming to America. I am a first generation Ethiopian American and the language that my parents first taught me was Amharic. The first day of kindergarten English was familiar to my ears but not to my tongue. So I listened, I saw the way that my peers where interacting with one another, and in a matter of weeks I spoke English with my head held high and proud of my accomplishment. My self-reliant ways are a big part of my approach to my academic life and my future. I believe in taking the first step having confidence that you will succeed.

My parents opened their own restaurant when I was born. Every day I saw my parents working hard and at the end of each long day my dad would say, "Get your education, you don't want to work like this," as he stood washing the dishes. Currently, I help out at the restaurant, doing what I can taking each moment as a learning experience. This is where I learned what it means to deserve what you worked hard for. I have a goal and I am dedicated to reaching my dream. I am passionate about becoming a doctor so that, as my parents did for me I can support my family back in Ethiopia financially and medically.

The drive that I feel when I am passionate about a goal is what pushes me to achieve it. The life experience needed to thrive I have gained from being the leader of the student volunteers at my local Kaiser Permanente in the radiology, minor injury, adult medicine and med surgery departments. The way my parents came to America to achieved charge, I will make a change and pursue my goals, starting with becoming a doctor to study medicine and this is done only when I am granted the opportunity to further my education. The journey seems long but if my heart beats out of pace and away from my goal I will take what I have learned from my culture, family and this passion I have and try again.
anilverma - / 4  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
Excellent essay I must say.
There are two mistakes that I found out.

my peers where interacting with one another ----- it should be " my peers were interacting with one another

And the meaning of last sentence is not clear

The journey seems long but if my heart beats out of pace and away from my goal I will take what I have learned from my culture, family and this passion I have and try again.

I think you should reframe it as the last sentence will decide whether you get admitted or not.
jeffliwin 3 / 8  
Nov 26, 2009   #3
personally i think the phrase "beats out of pace" seems kind of awkward so I would try to rephrase that.
Overally i think this is a really well done essay, and the transition from the introduction is very interesting.
The only thing I would say to fix is to shape it better, I know its a really broad piece of advice, but you seem to be jumping from topic to topic without a clear transition.

BUt thats just my opinion

GOod Luck!


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