This is for the Drexel VIP application, and it must be 250-500 words. This essay is 500 words exact, but I would like it if you told me whether I answered the prompt well.
Prompt:A brief essay helps us get to know you. Please review what type of applicant you are and submit a corresponding essay of 250 to 500 words. You may write about why you are interested in your choice of major, or you may write on any subject you choose.
"So, what do you plan on studying in college, Aalaa?" Grandma asked.
I sighed. She wouldn't like it if I told her that I still haven't decided on a major. "Well, I still don't know yet, Grandma."
"What are you talking about?! Your almost a senior and you still don't know what you want to accomplish in your studies?!"
"Umm, I was thinking of majoring in-"
"You should be a doctor, just like your cousin Mohammad. He graduated with a PhD and now he works a lot and he earns a lot of money."
"But Grandma, you can't compare me to him! He loved what he was studying!"
"You need to study something that will make money. Just hear me out and become a doctor. You won't regret it!"
I don't really know about everyone else, but if you were a typical Arab teenager, I am pretty sure that you've experienced something like this. Having a relative forcing you to study whatever they think is good enough for you 'because it makes money' is common. I was always forced by relatives, not family, to consider majoring in anything connected to the medical field, but they never asked what I was interested in.
I was originally born in the United States and I lived there for 10 years. But then I moved to Dubai where I lived for 6 years, which also included my first two years of high school. The students around me all had an idea of what they wanted to be when they grow up from childhood. I, however, had no clue of what I wanted to be but I knew what my favorite subjects were and that would be mathematics. The college system in Dubai required that you must enter college with a major, or else it's no college for you. Therefore, I was forced to think of a major that I had to enter with. I finally decided to major in Computer Science, without really thinking whether this major was right for me.
When I returned to the United States last year in 2011, I still had the idea imprinted in my brain that I was to major in Computer Science. But after learning about college admissions in the U.S, I learned that I don't even have to enter college with a major in mind and that I could take various courses from different fields of study that could help me decided on the major that I want. From the moment I read this line, my whole brain was 'refreshed' from every single struggle that I had concerning with what I wanted to major. Now, I want to play the detective game of deciding which major is the right one for me at Drexel University. It would be an exciting case that I would love to solve. I mean, imagine me sitting in a Calculus 1 class while missing out an interesting sociology course. Therefore, I am willing to enter Drexel 'still-deciding' on a major.
Thank you!
Hi so I believe you need to go through this essay again and do a general check of your grammar. For example, you should not use contractions because it makes the essay lack in formality, even though your going for an informal approach, you should still consider changing those contractions. Also, you shouldn't start a sentence with "But", and you should change the structure of the sent. that includes you moving to Dubai, like you should say: "Then I moved to Dubai where I lived for 6 years and also attended my first 2 years of high school" or something like that. Following this sentence, "grow up from childhood" seems to be awkward and if you were to keep it you should change grow to grew. The sentence that starts with I, however, had no clue..., you should say " I knew what my favorite subject was, mathematics", because you only listed one it should be singular. Change : "that could help me decided on the major" to "that could help me decide on the major" . "With wanted I wanted to major in" instead change it to this <<<. and it should be "while missing out on an interesting sociology one course"
Otherwise, I think you went in the right way with writing this essay, it seems personal and I think that admissions committee would like it. Just one last concern and I'll let you be. I feel like you could make the essay a little more creative, whether it be using colorful language or adding more information on your feelings about the topic.
